Filling Scars With Love

Emptiness.

School-day over. It was about time. I was hungry, starving actually. Seeing everyone leaving with their expensive cars and motorcycles made me a bit jealous. Damn it Scarlett, you're just an orphan, what are you expecting to have, a yacht or a limousine? I ran into my house, the only place I could ever feel safe. My adoptive parents weren't home yet. 

“You can let those tears fall Scarlett.” -I whispered to myself as I ran into the bathroom.

I don't know why it still hurts every time someone makes fun of me. I should have got used to it already. Whore. Stupid. Worthless. Ugly. I hear them whispering, I hear them, they're all over my mind and I can't get them off. Finally after searching for a long time I found my blade. FAT ASS BITCH. Should I pick up my sleeves? WORTHLESS. Yes I should. Here we go, one. It doesn't hurt, it makes me feel good. WASTE OF AIR. And two. I still can't get them off my mind. KILL YOUR SELF YOU PATHETIC WHORE. Maybe I will, maybe someday I'm really going to commit suicide. I felt tears streaming down my face? Why are you crying Scarlett? They are right anyway, you're worthless! Why do they hate me? 

“Scarlett!” I heard someone whisper behind me. I slowly turned my head, letting those tears fall. 

“L..Lucy is that you” I said, vision blurred. It was her, she came back to me. Only for a second, only for a moment. 

                                                           *Flashback*

"Did you know...the victim?" "

Yes..."was all I could say that night.

That night that changed my whole damn life. 

"Mum don't leave me"

"I'm not leaving you baby, I'm just going in a better place, promise me you're going to be a good girl honey"

"Mum" 

                                                   *End of flashback*

Eyes filled with tears, tears already streaming down my face, wetting my cheeks. The cold press of the blade hit my skin, now used to that feeling. I added a little more pressure to it and that warm, red liquid came out. I took a look at my self. My eyes were attached to the mirror while I was repeating the same actions. I blinked for a second and i saw the reflection of a little girl with a cut on her throat appearing on the mirror. It was like she wanted me to stop. I smiled and threw the blade away, finally pulling my sleeves down and cleaning the sink from the red liquid that kept me alive even though I didn't want to. I cleaned up the mirror and then went in my bedroom locking the door. I wanted to be alone, to feel alone.

“Scarlett, you're home baby?” I heard my adoptive mother's voice from the kitchen.

“Yes mom. I'm studying and I want to be left alone okay?” I said, trying hard to sound determined, my voice shaking. 

“Okay honey, I'll call you when lunch's ready.” she said and I sighed feeling relieved.

Strange fact, my parents didn't know anything about me cutting myself, or being bullied at school. I was a good liar, thank god. I didn't want them to know, I didn't want them to think I was crazy, or depressed or things like that. I wasn't ready to tell them, shit I could never be ready. But how was I supposed to tell them, like hey mom, I get bullied at school every day and look at this, these are my scars. Yeah mom I cut myself, deal with it now. I was feeling alone, more than never before. There are billions of people in the whole world and I was feeling...alone, broken, unwanted, UNLOVED. Two hours thinking about myself, two hours thinking about how everyone hates me so much, like what have I done to them? I can't help it if I'm ugly. If I'm ugly... Of course you're ugly Scarlett, you're insane and you're talking with yourself right now, which proves you're totally crazy.

                                      

                                                                 ''Flashback''

"DRIVE, DRIVE, DRIVE YOU FUCKING IDIOT, THE POLICE IS COMING" I heard them yelling as I ran outside the house. They had already gone, leaving Lucy's dead body on the road. 

"Did you know the victim?" the police kept asking you. "Listen I know you're..."

"Yes" I let the word come out of my mouth, as Lucy's blood was still in my hands.

                                                                 ''End of flashback''

Her blood was still in my hands. I feel like it will never wash out. It doesn't matter how many times they've been covered with my own blood, it always feels like her blood is still there.

"I'm sorry Lucy.." - I whispered

If I only called someone that night, if I only did something she could be here with me. It's my fault. I deserve this. 

"I'm sorry for everything"  I whispered again. I felt like she could hear me, like she's right behind me, putting her hand on my shoulder, trying to calm me down like she always did. 

"Scarlett!" 

I turn around to see who called me, it sounds like Lucy but it's not her. Actually there's no one saying anything. Why would they anyway. It's all on my head. 

 I'm cold even though the room is warm. My body is hot but my soul feels empty and cold. It always happens. It happens when I start to forget what's really happening around me.