Filling Scars With Love

Back In Time.

I couldn’t wait for the moment school was over for that day. It was impossible to stay in that place knowing that you dreams could be crushed in any moment. The fear of being alone made me feel worthless again. Those feelings took over my body again after such a long time. The embarrassment would be just unbearable.

Somebody get this out of my mind. This is an emergency and I’m in agony but nobody’s listening. It feels like there’s someone rapidly hitting my heart every time I think about Michael and the fact he may is using me. What if I’m one of those girls who he made fun of? I felt so blessed and happy moments ago but Sean had to ruin everything. My heart beats in pain once more. I really need to know the truth. But what’s going to happen if I’m just his next joke? Will I be the same person I was before I met him all over again?

I tried to avoid Michael after school. I wanted to be left alone with my thoughts. I needed to go home. There’s something I’ve wanted to do all day long. Is the old me coming back already? Do I need help? Why is this happening? Why can’t I ever be happy for a long period? Maybe this is my punishment for breaking the promise I made. I need to forget, I need to find a release.

I run home and finally let those tears I’ve been holding all day fall. It keeps coming back again. It keeps coming round my head. There’s some certain things I can’t avoid. I can’t avoid myself, who I was, what I am. Even though, I thought I had changed, I didn’t. That weak girl who can’t deal with pain is still here. See? She’s still looking through her things to find her razor. And here she is picking up her sleeves.

I touch my old scars once more. They’re totally closed and almost disappeared. Is it worth it causing this pain to myself all over again? I know it isn’t but I can’t help it. You can’t forget your bad manners. It’s part of my life now. No one’s here to stop me. He’s not here to protect me. Maybe he is but I don’t know that. I won’t know that. But who would love someone like me anyway? I’m pretty sure I’m just a joke. There’s something I’m really guilty for, believing in him. I shouldn’t have.

I pressed a little pressure to the razor and the blood starts to come out. It’s just like in the old times. Nothing has changed. It hurts a little bit more because I haven’t feel like this for a long time but it doesn’t matter. Gradually the pain inside me starts to faint. The red liquid did its job. I suddenly forgot about everything and got my eyes attached to the sap that was all over the sink. How’s that possible you always forget after you hurt yourself? Is it the only possible way? I cleaned a little and hid my razor. Lucy’s face appeared in the mirror after such a long time. I smiled at her.

“Where have you been?” I whispered.

“Stop Scarlett. Stop.” She yelled. The cut on her throat made her look creepy.

“I’m sorry Lucy.” I said. “ I shouldn’t have broken our promise.”

“You should have. It’s for your own good Scarlett. I love you.” she said and disappeared.

Daydreaming is back too? Way to go. I may be crazy. Who else does this? I’m 17 for God’s sake I must stop having imaginary conversations with Lucy. I need to go out. I can’t do this anymore. I slammed the door of my house. I don’t care if I have tones of homework to do, I just don’t feel like doing them.

I was walking pass the streets when I heard a familiar voice. It was Sean.

He wasn’t talking to me though but I wanted to know, I wanted to see. He sounded different. No cursing, sweet mode on. What the actual hell? As I came closer I realized he was holding a baby.

A blonde, blue eyed girl was standing next to him. She was kind of weird though. Her hair was extremely long and she was very pretty but the weird thing stood on her outfit. Her baggy clothes were totally black, only black. She was wearing shorts and T-Shirts in January. I could see her tattooed pale skin. She was just like Sean. I wanted to know what they were talking about and why did they have a baby. It’s weird to see Sean with a baby. I already feel sorry about that poor kid.