Cut-Throat

Flynn's POV

The nurse takes me out into the hallway. Her face was still bright red. So of course my face gets hot. She would've been beautiful if it wasn't for her dark sunken eyes. She doesn't sleep much, but why? 

"Okay, so could you not do what you just did here? That would be great," I just look down and apologize. "Anyways, so she herself is fine. But the thing in her brain is developing quickly. She needs to have surgery to slow down the progression. If we don't do that then she'll die. We have to do it tomorrow. I know it's so soon but if we don't then we can't promise that she would survive. If we leave it alone then the device will shock electricity into her brain and send her into a seizure. No one will be able to stop it either. She won't stop seizing until she's dead. So, since you are the closest thing that she has right now, can we go through with the operation? It will be first thing, as soon as she wakes up." I find a seat and try to process everything that I've just been told. How could it process to quick? We have to physically go into her head and upgrade it. Maybe the technology is trying to over power her. Maybe during the last upgrade the mobsters added new technology. Technology that could upgrade itself. Either way, we have to do this.

"Yes. Let's do it tomorrow." She rested her hand on my shoulder and gave me a sad, sympathetic look. It seemed fake, but I believe it's because of her sad eyes. They had dark circles and bags. Why?

"Would you like me to tell her? Or do you?" She seemed like she didn't want to have to break it to Ira.

"I. I'll do it. You just go get some rest. You look rough. Er, I mean that in the best possible way. Honest." She gives a fake smile, trying to look like she was okay. But she's not. She's exhausted. I sit there in the hallway and think of how to tell Ira. I mean, I know she won't be happy. She could die during surgery if they make one false move. I know it's a hard thing to have to go through, but I would sit by her side and hold her hand if that would make her feel better. I'd do anything. I take one last deep breath and get up from the chair. I rub my hands together out of nervousness and open the door slowly. I look at the bed to find her sleeping. She's so peaceful. I want to leave her be, but if I don't then she'll be mad that I didn't tell her. I can't have that. 

"Ira." I whisper her name multiple times while gently shaking her. She finally wakes up after the 20th time saying her name. Hmmmm is the only response I receive from her. "I need you to wake up. I have to tell you something. Something very important...and I need you awake for this one."

"Okay," she sits up and stretches with a yawn followed behind it, "what's up Flynn?" She scratches the back of her head and rests her arms around my neck while I'm sitting in a chair next to her.

"Well, umm, you're going to have surgery tomorrow as soon as you wake up." I tried to break it to her as gently as possible because I know how sensitive this topic is. I mean you're risking your life when you didn't even want this to begin with. Her eyes widen with terror.

"What's wrong with me? What is damaged inside me?" I look down at the ground then back up to her. She's waiting for my answer. 

"Well. The device in your head i-" She interrupts me.

"Oh. That. I don't care. I hope this time I die though. I don't want to wake back up. Does it need fixing?" I nod my head. I would say something, but I decide to let her keep talking before she shuts her feelings back up inside her. I never knew that she wanted to die. "I know it will cause me to have seizures or whatever. So, why even try to keep me alive if as soon as it gets damaged it will shock me to death? Just let me die. This is no way to live. I was always made fun of because of this stupid thing. I have been in a hospital so many times that I know most of the doctors names and some nurses. I know this hospital inside and out. I always thought that there was something wrong with me because of all the brain surgeries. So I always hated myself. Well now I really do hate myself because I found out that there is something wrong with me. I'm not 100% human. I'm part machine. Most people would be like 'Oh that is fucking bad ass' or 'Why would you wanna be 100% human and normal, when you can be a cyborg?' Well, it's not as fun as it seems. Being different from everyone else. It's not as glamorous as I though it would be. You know, having one good thing that got me noticed most. Instead, I get an unwanted murderous temptation that I can't even control. Why couldn't I have died on that operation table when I was born? Why me?" I place my hands on her hips and lay my head in her lap. I continue to listen. "Hey Flynn. If I make it through the surgery...can you shoot me in the head?" I feel something fall on my head and when I look up, she's crying. Except her face doesn't make any expression. It's just a blank stare. She's gone. Long gone. "I mean, I'm already dead on the inside. I'm numb to all pain, I fell only sadness. I rarely cry because I do nothing but bottle it up. I've tried cutting before. It works. It worked to well, but then I though about Ava. How she would feel if she saw me or saw the scars. I mean I'm supposed to be strong for her. I'm supposed to be her mom, dad, sister, and protector. That's so much to ask one person to do. So much emotion that you have to keep to yourself so you the person you're trying to protect feels like they have the strongest person in the world to take care of them. Well I can't do this anymore. I can't protect her anymore. How can I protect someone from other people when I can't even protect me from myself. What if I attack her? I can't do this anymore. Please promise that if I don't die on that operating table tomorrow morning, then please kill me. End my suffering. Please." More tears fall from her eyes. She finally makes eye contact with me. Waiting. Waiting for me to keep a promise that I could never keep.

"I-Ira. I-I can't do that for you. I'm sorry. I can't bring myself to kill you. I love you too much to do that. I'm sorry. I just can't." I start crying and she snaps out of it. Her face is no longer bare. It's confused. She has no idea what happened. She only knows what I've said to her just now.

"What do you mean? Did I ask you to kill me?" Tears still fall quickly down her cheeks. "Why am I crying?"

"You don't remember telling me that you want to kill yourself and how if you don't die on that table then you want me to kill you? You told me everything about how you're feeling. How depressed you are. How you hope that you never wake up. How you've cut before but then stopped before Ava ever found out. How much pressure it is to be her mom, dad, sister, and protector all on your own." She's no longer confused.

"Oh. Well I do that sometimes when I forget that you can actually hear me. I usually do that alone in the mirror so I feel like some one is actually listening for once. Well it looks like the cats out of the bag now. Look. I would honestly keep a very close eye on me since now you know. I've even attempted suicide. I tried to hang myself but after I pushed the chair out of the way I thought about you and Ava. So I pulled the chair back with my feet and got myself down. I, of course, cried myself to sleep after that. Now. I don't even think I would even change my mind. I would go through with the plan and die, because I've had enough. Not even having sex with you would change anything. This depression is here to stay whether I like it or not. It's been around for so long that I don't know what to do without it. I can't imagine myself without it." I can't stop crying and neither can she.

"I will fall asleep with you every night. I will be by your side every day. I don't want you to die. I want you here with me. With Ava. I wouldn't be able to live with myself. I would blame myself every day for not realizing how much pain you were in. Please never leave me. Never leave this earth. I can even live with you if you want me to. I know mom will understand. How does that sound?" I force a smile.

"What about Kay? What if your mom needs you?" She's thinking about other people like always. She never thinks about her and what she needs. Always about other people.

"You need me more. Kay will just have to get over me. You need me more than her too."She shakes her head.

"No she definitely needs you. I know what's going on with her and she needs you. You shouldn't worry about something that isn't even human. Or something that could die every time it enters the hospital. Or something that could kill you during combat. Don't even think of me as a person, because I'm not. I'm just a tool." I'm losing her again. Her face is bare again. Her eyes are gone. She's not with me right now. She's left her body and let depression take control of her actions and feelings. He's slowly destroying her.

"Don't do that!"I shove the chair back as I stand up. I hits a table and it causes a loud noise. She doesn't even flinch.

"Don't do what?" She doesn't move her body. She doesn't shift her stare. 

"Don't put people before you. Would you be selfish for once in your life? Can you stop thinking about what other people need and start thinking about what you need? You need someone to show you that depression needs to learn to make room if he's there to stay. I want to be that someone. Depression has to make room for me because I'm here to stay too. Don't call yourself a thing or an it ever again. You are human. You are not  just some tool. You are a person. You are my best friend. You are the girl next door. You are the girl I live to protect. You are the girl I love. I know I sound cheesy, but I love you Ira. So please let me live with you. Let me protect you. Let me love you." I place my hands gently on her hips and pull her in. Her legs are on either side of me. She wraps her arms around my neck. I rest my head on her forehead. "Please just let me live with you."

"Okay." We come closer together and stop before our lips meet. She looks at my lips. She licks hers. As she looks at my eyes and back to my lips she bites her own. I let them touch and it was just a soft kiss. like the ones you see in movies. The ones that aren't exactly pecks, but you're not making out either. One of those. Our lips part and we just stare at each other. "Can you lay with me?" I climb into bed with her and we just cuddled. Next thing I knew I was dreaming.