Void

Ch. 7- Shower

"...nor can we know ahead of the fact the unending absence that follows, the void, the very opposite of meaning, the relentless succession of moments during which we will confront the experience of meaningless itself."  ~Joan Didion

Chapter Seven- Shower

July 28th 3012, 8:00am

For the first time since I’ve been here I woke to a room all to myself.  If I was home in my bed with my mother and maid downstairs then this wouldn’t come as anything new.  However I wasn’t in my home.  I wasn’t about to get ready for the day.  I wasn’t about to walk the half mile to my school so I could learn about the revolution and the life before it.  I wasn’t going to walk out and see the crowd of people popping the pill and wonder what that felt like and why they bother.  I wouldn’t come home and read a book.  I wouldn’t sit at a silent table and eat dinner.  Instead I would sit in this empty room until someone came to feed me or try a new drug on me.  That was fine with me.

Now that I was a void things were clearer.  My life before was an endless cycle of me doing exactly what was expected of me.  It wasn’t confusing or difficult.  It was easy.  This life, this me… is harder.  It’s not better or worse it’s just harder, different.  With this version of myself there are bruises and hurt feelings.  There’s conflicting patterns.  Looking back I don’t understand how I managed to feel so frustrated yet happy all at the same time.  I can remember how feels to experience a certain emotion and when I should feel it but it’s different now.  Remembering it isn’t like living it.  I want to feel.  I want to be alive.  I want to be frustrated and feel overwhelmed by my emotions.  I want to dream, even if it means having a nightmare.  I want things.  I’m tired of being phlegmatic.  I’m tired of feeling this emptiness inside me.

Jaxon makes it go away.  With him my body reacts.  My heart races, chills and warm sensations spread through me.  With Jaxon I don’t need the pill to feel.  It’s like I’m human again.  I know he wishes for me to be human.  So for him I’ll take the pill and I’ll try the dangerous drugs because I know each one brings Brantley closer to finding the cure, which will only bring me, closer to Jaxon.

I hear footsteps in the distance.  Not just one set but two, possibly three.  They pull me from my thoughts and make my senses become more alert.  I know that if I could feel then I would be anxious.  I would be hopeful that it was Jaxon.  However, now, I feel nothing.

I see Daniel, Lane and Cody come into view.  I can’t help but notice how different the three of them are.  Lane looks calm about walking into my cage.  He pushes some of his brown blond hair off his forehead and out of his cool blue eyes.  He seems confident about every step he takes.  Cody looks more reluctant.  His brown eyes dart across the walls not wanting to make eye contact.  He seems unsure and his movements are awkward yet kind.  I can tell that he is more shy than disgusted.  Daniel’s dark brown hair and blue green eyes are filled with hate; surprisingly there is no disgust in his demeanor.  He’s dangerous and he knows it.  He gives me a sinister smirk on the other side of the gate.

“Quit staring at her and open the damn gate.”  Lane insists rudely.

Daniel lets it go by without an argument and instead unlocks the gate and slides it open.  It clatter’s nosily and creates a nice loud echo as it slams shut.  The three boys walk in and fill the small space with the stench of sweat.

“Guess what void.”  Daniel says with a smirk.  I raise an eyebrow at him as if to ask what he wanted.  “You get to take a shower.”  His words cause my heart to beat a little faster.  If I could feel I would be afraid.  However my facial expression remains rock hard.