Lilies

→ fifteen ←

dear mom,

change makes me brave

the germination of a 'first'

like a seedling of hope that bursts through the cracks of the cement

a testament of the problematic, unrelenting persistence of life

salvaging beauty in the remnants of destruction and chaos

rather than the 'lasts' that bury me

last sleep with the nightlight of the aura of your comforting presence that glowed

casting the demons back into the shadows, but at the same time burning me with it's intensity

too bright to look at directly, like the sun--needing a shield around my heart to guise you 

last opening of the doors of my heart

the neon florescent light that flickered like fireflies speaking in morse code condemned to the silence of the dark

it's closure due to a failed inspection, my heart not up to code with my mind

last cheek stained with your signature crimson red mark

a family emblem in the shadow of your kiss that connected us;

an imprinted stamp of an envelope to send me away;

a signature of an artisan on it's masterpiece, the finishing touches proclaiming of our lineage

but

today was a beginning rather than an end

i immersed myself in the ghosts of you despite my fear

i sifted through the untouched armada of clothes laced with the scent of lilies

i near almost suffocated, overwhelmed by the intoxicating smell of you in the closet

breathes held; hair static; spines chilled

it was your signature perfume, you wore it everywhere

how had i forgotten?

it almost felt like you were in there with me,

and i was eleven all over again

like we were playing hide and seek

'where, oh where, could my little angel be?'

you drawled, putting on the facade that you couldn't find me

while i stifled my giggles behind the wall of fabric

feeling like i was a mastermind, on top of the world with my genius

but, as i grew up, i learned

that you were the one who had perfected the art of hiding

because for years i sought, tearing hanger after hanger off of railings

the silky, delicate materials flowing to the ground in a discarded array

layers of shedded skeletons that no longer were home to inhabitants

as if you had been skinned by a butcher

stripped naked of your external beauty, exposing the ugly within for all to see

until the shelves were bare

its blank walls full of nothing closing in on me

so i gave up