Lilies

→ seventeen ←

dear mom,

if you turned my pockets inside out

or combed through the bottomless abyss of my heart, stretching its seams

or searched the tangible reincarnations of my identity for fingerprints

you would unearth the following things:

→ crumpled paper

the words like origami as i fold stories into shapes of hearts

→ a paper clip

the link that pierces our skin with sacrifice for the consecration of the bond

→ two tin cans

the life support for our frail lungs gasping to answer the rings of our connection

→ petals of lilies

the charm to rub between my fingers in hopes of twisting fate with beauty

→ a match

for the girl of thorns to ignite the boy on fire

in a tool box for the assembly of love

the instructions exchanged through locked lips

unfortunately,

you won't find a noah--

because instead i hold onto him in the palm of my hands

the rabbit foot that leaps me beyond the shadow of my past

the four-leaf clover that lets me be the exception rather than the example

the wishbone that gives me the strength of flight

through our in-between moments

where the world stills in motion yet the ground spins in an aftershock 

take this one from last night for me

two stars stumbling across the milky way night

in a dance that chases the other

footprints trailing behind them in paths of circles and dead ends

but, they twinkle and shine and gleam smudges and all

for maybe not all who wander are lost

maybe they are finding their own way

because they have to be enveloped in the dark for their eyes to adjust properly

this is what noah gave me that day among the sparks of flickering street lights

he simply pointed up towards the millions of constellations of stars just like me

who instead could pause long enough to sit with the pain  that would give them clarity

he shook up my perception of the world like a snowglobe in a frenzy of flurries

swiveled around the telescope that magnified the lens to my problems in the right direction

gave me the glasses for the undiagnosed blindness that blurred my vision

so that i could truly see

see how my grief hung like wet clothes on my skin

see how i dehumanized you to be two opposite extremes

see the half-truths i lived on that created a whirlwind inside

in return

i lent him the handles that steer my every thought off the road

your unopened letter

whose paper cuts dove underneath my skin

burning a hole through the silver lining in my pockets

it is safe with him

until i can read it without the weight of the memories that pull me underneath

but rather look at it as it truly is

a letter from someone i used to know

maybe i can't remedy all of the pain i've inflicted on myself and others

with this makeshift first aid kit

but, with my lucky charm,

at least i have the courage to try

yours truly,

evelyn

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A/N:

Hi! How are you?

Can you believe we're on part seventeen?

This is the longest writing project I've ever stuck to, and I'm so proud of how far this has come (plot holes and all). I feel like such a proud mom of Evelyn right now. This is nowhere near the end of her journey, but she has already grown so much as a person. Writing this chapter was definitely emotional because it was so optimistic and bright that it made me happy for Evelyn that for once she feels more positive.

I'm not sure how long this story will be. My pacing is (painstakingly) slow, but I figure we're about halfway through at this point. I'm hoping everything will be resolved somewhere in the thirties (no promises though).

Also, isn't that line from Tolkien amazing? I've never read Lord of The Rings, but I recently discovered the quote and I've been in love with it. All credit for that line goes to that author.

Thanks for reading! I really appreciate it.

(p.s. i know i say this every time, but i promise it's always true and genuine)

Don't forget to vote, comment, and share!

Kiana