CATS: Looking For Etcetera

Chapter Twenty-One: Memory

Tugger remembered. Macavity. When they were kittens. 

"It's the only place I feel like I can be myself." 

"The only place no one else knows about."

The only place...

What place?

He remembered his brother's face. Scared and lost and confused. His eyes, dark and desperate, calling out silently for someone to help. He remembered. That time, all those moons ago, when his brother ran away from home. No-one spoke of that now; after all, Macavity was an unpredictable and rebellious teen, he'd do whatever he wanted and no-cat questioned it. He ran away from home all the time back then.  It had been just one time out of hundreds. Macavity had been gone for days, almost weeks. They'd sent search parties looking for him, scoured the streets every night, but he couldn't be found. No-one knew where he could be. All his old hiding places had been checked, but he was gone. Tugger hadn't really worried about it that much, but mother and father had been distraught. 

Then, one night, Macavity came back. He looked thin and wild and ungroomed, but in the middle of the night he returned to the den he had shared with his brothers. He'd woken Tugger up, but not Munku. He remembered that night now. His brother looked rough and unrecognisable at first, and Tugger had been scared. But when the young tom came forward his features grew familiar. 

"Macavity?"

"Shhh." 

"Where were you? We looked all over but you were-"

"Shhh, Tug, I'm here now. I need to tell you something."

Tugger nodded shakily. The thin red cat beckoned him out of the den and took him round the corner where they were alone. Macavity was tall and rugged even then, and his eyes were wild and dark. Tugger's fur stood on end, his own eyes wide in fear. 

"I need to tell you something," Macavity said again. Tugger waited. After a moment the ginger tom spoke. "I'm going to leave soon." 

Tugger's ears pricked up. 

"What? Where are you going? Can we come?" 

"No, Tug. That's why I'm telling you. Because you're not to tell anyone else you saw me."

"But-"

"It's our secret, okay? Do you promise you won't tell? If you tell then I have to leave now and I won't talk to you again." 

Tugger swallowed and shook his head thoroughly. 

"I won't tell nobody." 

"Good. I can't come back to the yard anymore. I don't belong here." 

The small kitten cocked his head, confused. Macavity continued. As he did so he searched the yard with his eyes to make sure everyone was asleep. Tugger was frightened, but he'd missed his brother so much and couldn't bear to see him go. 

"I don't expect you to understand; you're too young. But one day it'll make sense. I can't stay here anymore. I'm not one of you. I'm not a Jellicle, I never was. I just don't fit in like that." 

"But Mac-"

"Shhh. Just listen to me. I'm leaving the yard, probably for good."

Tugger gasped, but Macavity shoved a crooked paw over his mouth. 

"When I ran away, it was different to all those other times. I hunted for myself, stayed wherever I wanted...I could be whoever I wanted to be! Tug, isn't that great? No-cat holding me down, telling me what to do. No-one trying to control my magic, or telling me I'm not good enough. And then it all made sense. That's why I don't fit in here. Because I never was a Jellicle cat. It's like what mum said once. This life wasn't meant for me. For the first time in my life I was free, and it was the best feeling in the world. I can't live like this-with you. It's not meant for me. I found this place..."