A Collection Of Self Written Poems.

Ally Actually Is A Cheerleader Now.

When I say I'm fine, it has a double meaning. Fine can mean 'I want to die, but don't want to make you fake concern over me. '

My friends say "Just don't hurt yourself again. " .I say " I won't. ".
And I don't lie . Because I don't hurt. When I line my arms.
And write on them .
With my ink of blood.

When I say I'm tired, I'm not lying. I just can't finish my sentences .
I'm tired of saying " I'm fine " .
I'm tired of being told I'm lazy.
I'm tired of having impossible expectations from everyone.
I'm tired of listening to the demons.
I'M TIRED OF LIVING !!!!!

The longer I struggle, the more I break. Inside, an earthquake broke the buildings of dreams and hopes. Outside, the walls are standing. But starting to crumble.

They think I'm fine. They think I'm happy. They think I'm fixed. They think I'm innocent.
I know I'm not okay. I know I'm getting sicker. I know I'm broken. I know I'm a criminal. I murdered the girl I used to be.

You shouldn't pick up broken glass, or you might hurt yourself. So why are you trying to pick me up?

I'm the bottle of depression, broken and leaking my poison.
So don't touch me, or you could cut yourself and absorb my depression.

I can't smile, I can't hide, so I wear a mask of blank.

I'm sorry for never being good enough for the world. I'm sorry for never being the happy girl you wanted. I'm sorry for never being the social girl you wanted. I'm sorry for living.

I'm the shadow no one sees. I'm the loser no one notices. I'm the girl who is never spoken to. I'm the girl who is going to kill herself today.

I'm the background object while no one pays attention . I become black . I don't belong here. I want to go, but when I do , I'm taken away . So now, I AM going to go, and NO ONE can stop me. Bye pitiful world. You disgust me.

If I ever try to talk, I'm told I'm wrong. If I try to say something , my voice is cut off like I'm a string. If I try to do something, I'm criticized. If I try to compete with life, it just throws me down.
Mother argues with everyone. Father barely there . Once loving sister, busy dating boyfriend. Boyfriend ignores me . Brother hates me. Grandma despises me. Grandpa forgetful. Friends don't talk. Crush can't see me. Cousins torn away. Aunt long gone. Uncle unseen. Granny dying. Gran-Gran gone . Hated by great aunts and uncles. Invisible and hated. Last to be chosen. Never enough. Why am I here ?

Ever think "I'll see them tomorrow, next week, next month, next year. " , only to find out they're dead, and you never saw them before they die ? Imagine that, intensified by 1000 moments that broke your spirit and broke your soul . You get my pain .

Authors Note
Hey guys. I realized that the last 3 poems were a bit different than the rest , and I thought you guys might want an explanation. I just found out that for Christmas, my dad's mom is going to leave us. So yeah . And it doesn't help with the fact that most of my family is leaving me , weather temporarily, or forever. My dad also said he's going up to Minnesota to try and help , however, he might be gone for months . Meaning I'm stuck with my mother and other grandmother, meaning my life will be a living h*ll . They're cruel to me , and when they verbally abuse me, I don't think they realize that they're just adding more pain. So yeah. There is your explanation.

P.S.
The first poem on the next page is similar to the 3 here .