15 A feeling that we have no control

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by itwonthurtto_click

by itwonthurtto_click

I thought by doing all my chores and getting good grades ment i was 'golden'.
Everything else didnt really matter. By not really eating or sleeping by pushing my friends away (being closed emotionally and sometimes superficialy) not accepting love (romance) not accepting myself (massive insecurity). These where all forms of self sabotage. My way of cutting. I swear i didnt feel in a way correct if i didnt wake up exhausted and haul myself to school falling asleep during classes.. I liked being in pain and im trying to stop im slowly getting more comfortable with "me" on the inside.
Personal guidelines⤵️
To be 'golden' you have to be a good person all the time so that you feel clean inside. Not eat meat, atleast for me because i dont like it. Properly rest when i need it. Dont pretend. By that i meen if your pissed off at some one dont pretend your ok with whatever/whoever. If you didnt like the food dont say it was good. If you dont want to do something dont. If you dont want to love someone dont pretend. Be true and let go of people that are toxic no matter how imposible. You dont need the spotlight or to prove yourself. Be calm, Let go of those rude remarks. Junk food makes you fat in all the wrong places. Period. You dont want to end up like your chubby parents. (Jfc i dont know how right now butt3----- i need to find a way to work out.)

I guess all these things have come into light cause of some inspirations like Kalel. You know anthony from smosh? Well he had a girlfriend for a couple years they broke up and the ex bloomed lmao. Aswell as osh i cant remember the name of their channel. Its those videos where they ask some very interesting and deep questions and remove a piece of clothing along the way. They all have some v cool upbringings and personalities/styles. The video "a girl, a boy, a gender" fucking got to me man. My brother was giving me an intro to buddhism and it also inspired me. I realise now that im not ugly atall infact im pretty good. Before i thought that since my massive crush didnt even notice me when we are perfect together (im not just saying that we like all the same things and think alike) that i wasnt cool or desirable. BUT ITS NOT TRUE. Shocker. The tv series Skins also made me realize stuff. Along the lines of being myself style wise.
Etc

On another note i havent updated dont know why but i wanna fill in the 0 people reading as to the stuff thatsss hapunddd. So i was sending signals i guess to my massive crush and they where just not recieving leaving me in limbo for the lonely. They confessed their feelings to another girl whose also a close friend of mine. Now i get it, they never saw me that way because they had eyes for another already. Basicaly i got closure haha. He says theyre completely over her now that she REJECTED them (thank gad btw). After that they did talk to me alot more but tbh i just felt completely like a second choice. He told me he started getting interested in this other girl from another class and suddenly we didnt talk so much. Freaking tool. He's either fucking blind or doesnt want to accept real love. I want to meet some one new that chases after me instead of the other way around for once. Tear.
Things w/ my mother have been the same but getting worse im out of options and thinking if moving out with my older brother we'll see how that goes. Dont want to get into it on wattpad all ya need to now is that its shitty and reaaaallly crappy. For the record (literaly) she gave up on me before i gave up on her. I was forcefuly reunited with my father after 4 years nothing much with that though. He basicly feels like being a real dad for the first time. He apologized for purposefuly distracting himself with work and missing out on our childhood. I didnt miss him hell he doesnt even know me. I feel like to him im not m/n im his little princess. Im not a fucking little princes much less your fucking princess. Youknow?