My life is cringy carry on with caution

16 S4 fear of trying

Not sure how to start this.
Firstly i'm accidentaly falling into my mothers habits. And my head hurts.(why do i even put this online) When i was younger i had alot of love and alot of faith in my parents. My mom back then was very apethetic she didnt care when i cried when she made me cry when i wanted something she just kept me fed and made me smile in the pictures. She always wanted me to be girly and we fought over clothes alot, all in all really hurt my self esteem. When we moved to LV my Dad officially left and my mom got depression. She acted like she hated having us and her life. She only ever yelled or ignored us. Idk just google living with a depressed person, or in that movie mr. Nobody when one of the alternate realities is the blond chick and shes all hysterical that sums it up really good. Somewhere along the line my dad was dead to me and so was my mom. Thats the first time i verbalise that.

Thing is i kept that empty feeling and carried it on in my life and i think its messing stuff up. I dont empathise with my mom i dont cherish her, my other loved ones. I just have this raw love inside but i dont care about their needs or feelings. I noticed because i cherish my dog ALOT and the way my grandma is with my mom. Why am i only like that with my dog ? Well animals have never hurt me. Not sure why but thats how my mom was. But she isnt the same as then. I meen im still scared of the history repeating, deathly. Shes alot more human than before and im still acting otherwise. To be fair im only 15 this is the first ive noticed.

I've also been confused, i dont have any real friends or people there for me, but it was so easy when i was younger. What am i doing wrong, its not rhetoracle there is something with me. When i look at myself i dont know who i am anymore. I dont know what i believe in anymore. I dont know my rules or morals. I dont know what i like. I cant tell if im even a good person. So many little things, ive gone over so many hoops and pushed through so many obstacles. My personality has gone through the ringer. Honest. I think watching so much tv about murder and other wacky stuff has NOT helped.

I need a break from the people that i know i need a long silence to clear my head. Lets be honest that isnt going to happen though.