He's A Monster ✓

20 | Mourning

How does it feel to be left behind? Being in a place where you know you don't belong? Or seeing the people's peaceful smile that you envy because it feels like, you forgot to do it since loneliness has eaten you for so long?

At a very young age, I got orphaned. I don't even remember the face and the name of my parents because truth to be told, I got traumatized that I need to see a physiatrist so I could forget everything.

Or maybe I didn't really forget it. . . but I accepted that life is like having your parents leave you in this vast world without any knowledge at all. Leaving you with their business that got bankrupted, with millions of loans that in a very young age, you have to work your ass out so that you can earn money to pay for those loans, even it means of stoping at caring yourself.

And yeah, it's very cruel.

But it's life.

If I remember it right. . . that traumatizing memory happened when we're on our way home from the amusement park located at a top of a hill, for my twin and I's birthday party, which I requested because I badly wanted it.

My twin sister, whom I couldn't remember what she looks like, due to my therapy too, is like a vast ocean that we always stare at the top of the lighthouse, which we even hide and ran away every time our Nannies are looking for us just to get there.

A wind blew that I smelled the saltwater from it, as when I looked at my sister who's smiling silently while looking at the vast blue horizon in front of us. And even though her hair is dancing by the cold breeze of air, she seemed not to mind it, as her face is locked at the view in front of us.

A view that no matter what we do, we couldn't grasp.

And something so beautiful that is haunting me, reminding me of the lives that took everything away from me early.

I remembered everything so vividly. . . at how my twin sister removed my seatbelt and how she pushed me out of that car that suddenly lost control, instead of jumping together.

Everything remained unforgotten, as I saw how their car exploded right after falling from a clip, which straight in my view is a beautiful and calming sky were burnt orange and pink combined, creating beautiful scenery that you will only see before it turns dark.

But unlike the peaceful ocean that remained the same even after its surroundings turned dark, my life fell into pieces as I got devastated after it. . . the reason why I became like this.

I couldn't smile after it happened. I couldn't eat that I became malnourished— close to death that I wished I died with them. I couldn't even sleep properly until I got tired and fell asleep after crying my heart out and blaming my poor self for asking them to celebrate our birthday in an amusement park. . . which I hope I didn't request.

They said that everything happened because my father didn't check our car before driving it. They said that it's just an accident and there's no foul play that happened on that day. They said it's done investigating, put a red ‘case closed’ mark on the paper containing the pieces of information regarding that day, and closed that folder.

And maybe they burned it to ashes because it was forgotten by people as if it was. . . but not me.

I was nine when that happened.

And I was at the same age when my Auntie Rose came into my life, cooked me delicious foods, and feed me when I couldn't lift my hand to eat because I don't have any appetite.

She came to my aid after one of our neighbors visited our home to give me some food because they said that they don't even see the lights in our home open that reminds them which there's a person inside. Their curiosity and concern for this poor orphaned child kicked in, the reason why they saw me unconscious on the floor, pale and seemed dead already. . . only that my heart was beating so faintly.