Kaine

Chapter 23

Today has been rough. 😣 My best friend Annie went through it bad. She's going through the exact same thing as I am. She sat on the floor crying her eyes out and telling me how she should have listened to her mom. She said something that almost made me cry to. She was talking about how she gave him everything and how she kept going back to him and he kept breaking her heart. I get how she feels. Everyone tells me to let Kaine go and that he's a fuck boy.. But how can you expect someone to just up and leave something they've put so much into! It's the hardest fucking thing I've ever went through in my life. I was talking to my friend Jason and he told me I need more hobbies to distract myself. He asked me what I like to do and I told him I like to write, read, listen to music, sing, and travel. Boring life I know. But I mean that's what I like. He told me to sing my heart out then. I laughed at him, I do already. He thinks that if I find stuff to distract myself I won't think about Kaine. But, that's not true I've been trying to distract myself for a year! An entire fucking year! And it's not working. I remember when he first left, all I did was write... Just like now. Guess I'm going in circles. Then I started dating again. I ended up with Elliette and I liked her, because she acted like him. I didn't realize it at the time, but I only wanted her, because she reminded me of Kaine. I feel bad for using her like that, I just didn't know I was. But, even with all the dating and fucking with my hoes I would still think about Kaine and it sucked. I would sleep all the time. I like the feeling of not feeling anything at all. It feels like you're dead when you're alive. I would sleep so I wouldn't think about him. Then there came a time where he would haunt my dreams and I would just force myself to stay awake. I would lay in bed staring at the ceiling all damn night. With nothing on my mind, but him. I would think about the good times and the bad. Both would break my heart just the same. Then there would be those moments where certain songs would come on that would remind me of Kaine and I would break down. That's how it is now. I don't get why I can't just be like fuck it, fuck Kaine. I don't need him. But, I can't say it and I don't know why. I feel a mental break down coming. I warned two people about it already. I told Annie and Martinique. When he comes home and ignores me I know I'm going to freak out and lose it. I don't know what the fuck is going to happen, but I'm trying to prepare for it. Everyone is like Oh y'all will be okay when he comes home." He's not fucking coming home for me and it's clear! There isn't shit I can do about it and I know that. Don't get me wrong I love people trying to be there for me, but they don't get it. We're going to be okay when he gets home? I doubt it dude. I really do. He's most likely not even going to try to contact me when he's here and I'm fucking lose it. But that's okay. I'm reminding myself every god damn day that it's okay to not be okay.