Kaine

Chapter 35

I might ass well let this shit out of the bag. Kaine ended up coming back y'all and my naive ass fell for it again. I went on a trip with my teacher cadet class December 6th. I came home and seen a message from "Daddy💕😍". Since he blocked me I couldn't change his name on messenger. So I instantly start panicking. I wasn't ready to hear from him at all. God knows I wanted to, but I couldn't handle that shit. He texted me good morning first. But, I wasn't home so I didn't see it. Then he sent a screen shot of me posting on Facebook about him having a small dick and a weak stroke. His exact word was "damn". Then he texted me yet again and said "Glad to see you moved on💯" I refused to give in. I told him exactly what was on my chest and showed I was fed up with him. Eventually I left him on seen. I was an emotional wreck and I was beginning to cry myself to sleep. Then he texted me again. "You told people I died in Iraq?" When Kaine left I started posting and saying he died in Iraq. Yes that was fucked up, but I didn't care, because he hurt me. That was how I was coping. So we ended up talking after that. Then he asked me out again. I dead ass told him no, because I was not going to let him hurt me again. So he asked could we work it out, if he could prove he changed no matter how long it takes will I take him back? I told him I might. Long story short I seen some changes. Like he admitted he fucked up, he never did that before. Usually when he would come back he would act like he deserved me and like he did nothing wrong. But, this time he seen I was fed up and done. Little tiny changes, but things that made me feel like he changed. So on December 8th he asked me out again. This time I said yes. And in all honesty I really believed he changed. He would texted me all day. Hit me back up as soon as I replied. He treated me right. It was like it was when I first met him. It was kind of like a new person I was talking to and I loved that shit. And despite me saying I wasn't letting my guard down anymore I did. I didn't tell my friends right away that I was back with him, because I knew they wouldn't like it. I wanted to see if it would work out this time around before saying anything. I eventually felt like we would work so I told some people. Some yelled at me others told me they support me but would kill him. I never told Shay though. It just so happened we broke up before I could. He dumped me again December 18th. He came home from the army the 15th. He came over the 16th and I let him hit. Then he started leaving me on seen. The same shit he did last time he came home which caused me to start thinking. Maybe he hasn't changed. I was right dude is an extraordinary actor. I poured my heart out to him and he dumped me. And once again I'm shattered feeling like I'm not good enough and unloved. All I wanted was to be with the man I gave everything to. All I want is him, but I can't have someone who is treating me like a secret. He doesn't even tell people we are together. I can't be with someone who is hiding me. I guess he's ashamed of me. I dead ass don't think he ever loved me. I'm just easy pussy for him that's it. It kills me and it's going to kill me for the rest of my life. I told him "please don't come back", but God knows I want him to. More than anything. I need him, I just don't act like it. I know I deserve so much better, but the thing is he feels like the best to me. I wanted to be his everything like he is mine, but he doesn't love me. And it's going to kill me for the rest of my life. How the hell am I suppose to move on and be happy when I can't even trust no one over Kaine? I ask all the time why he doesn't love me. Why I'm never good enough for him. I got drunk as fuck after he dumped me. I don't know why I did that shit, but I did. So not only was my heart hurting so was my head. I was through as fuck. I started wildin' again. I'm ashamed of myself. But, I don't know I'm hurting man and no one gets it. Especially not him and it kills me every fucking day. I was thinking about ending it all then I got fucked up. Then today I got my letter of acceptance into Astate. I was so fucking happy then it hit me I couldn't move to Virginia. Then that's when I remember "Oh yeah Kaines gone again." I wanted to tell him the news, but he don't fucking care so what's the point. I was just another hoe he fucked. And I hate myself over it every day. The most sad thing though, his name is still "Mr. Jones💙💍" in my phone. I don't know maybe I still want him to be mine maybe that's why I can't change it.