Letters to Him#Wattys2016

Chapter Four

Chapter Four.

Ameer sighed loudly, for now he understood what Qamar meant by,' There came a time when I didn't move, I didn't blink my eyes and yet they fell relentlessly'. For he was going through the same. He felt like only two organs of his body were working; His heart and his eyes. The former one hurting badly to the extent that he felt like it would squeeze and fall out from his chest and the latter one stung and itched due to holding in tears. He was down in the same position he had been in the last two hours. He flipped the page to read her next letter.

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Dear Ameer,

Blank. That is what I was when I heard that you were blessed with a daughter. I didn't know how to react. A lot of feelings surfaced in me but they just seemed to disappear as I felt myself becoming numb. I didn't feel anything, or maybe I felt but I was used to it. As I sit here in the hospital ward I felt myself going down the memory lane, when I had come to visit your daughter and wife with your mom. No matter how hurt I was I couldn't just not meet them, it was the Sunnah of the Prophet, who was I to not follow it? Besides I needed as many good deeds as I could collect.

That was what I told myself. But in reality it was me lying to myself just to cover up my reason of visiting her. In reality I wanted to see your daughter, for little babies always fascinated me and that little princess was half you. Strange I know but my love for babies was so strong and deep that I craved to carry my own child and hold him in my arms. I wanted to listen to his heartbeats when I went for a monthly checkup. I wanted to feel him move in my tummy. I wanted to feel his kicks as he grew in my tummy. I wanted to watch him grow his hair, limbs, eyes and ears as I went for regular checkups. I wanted to bring him into this world. I was weak when it came to my health so much so that I would collapse even in a little stomach ache. But I was ready to face that pain of bringing him into the world just to hold him in my arms. I wanted to see him learn how to crawl. I wanted to see him sprout teeth. I wanted to watch him when he learnt how to sit. I wanted to see him take his first steps. Moreover I wanted my husband with me as we watched our children growing up. I wanted to do so many things with him but I never got to experience that and I guess I never will.

When I held your daughter in my arms for the first time I felt what happiness really was. Though she wasn't my own still the joys of holding a baby was indescribable. I was on the verge of tears when I saw her grasp my finger. That was when I yearned for a baby of my own. I returned the baby to you and then I left abruptly. I know you might have found it weird but I had come for an appointment and I was getting late for it.

That was the very appointment that changed everything and shook my world to the core. I had been running in and out the hospital for the past few months and just two weeks before your daughter was born the doctor; after seeing that my white blood corpuscles count was too high he had suggested we do Bone marrow biopsy. The test was nerve-wrecking I had no one with me to comfort me. I was tensed because to be honest the test scared me. It terrified me to the point that I was trembling like a leaf.

The test in all wasn't as scary as I thought it would be. But the waiting had me terrified. I was scared like any other patient, of the outcome of the report. When the doctor had called me to tell me that the reports were in and I could come get them whenever I wanted. But truth to be spoken I was scared. I was scared of the results. I couldn't bring myself to ask him what was in the report.

I delayed my visit to the hospital, your mom was getting suspicious of my visits and I didn't have the courage to go and face it. But when I held your daughter in my arms I felt something. I felt a strange sense of satisfaction. I don't know why or how I just had enough courage to go face it.