Letters to Him#Wattys2016

Chapter Six

Chapter Six

He sat there numbly. He could see but yet he couldn't see anymore. He could hear yet he couldn't hear anymore. He could feel yet he couldn't feel anymore and he could move yet he couldn't move anymore. He was at that point where even though he was able to do everything and anything he still couldn't. Not because he really couldn't but because he couldn't bring himself to do it. He wanted to stop crying but he couldn't do it. He wanted to get up and move about but he couldn't. He wanted to look at Qamar the last time but for the life of him he couldn't bring himself to go and have a look at her. He just couldn't.

He had always feared that one day he would wake up and his Qamar wouldn't be waiting for him. His mom had once told him, 'Correct your mistakes and treat Qamar with the love she deserves. She might be waiting for you today but she won't wait forever. One day you are going to wake up and find that it is too late to say sorry. One day you would wake up and find that she is already gone.' He never knew that what she said would happen. He never knew what she said was so true. He wished he had taken her advice seriously. Then maybe, just maybe he wouldn't have been her. Maybe he would've had corrected the differences between them. But that was all in the past now. No matter how much he wished he could go change whatever happened with them he couldn't. All he was now left with was guilt, regret and grief.

He sighed loudly, it seemed like that was the only thing he could do. He turned the pages of her diary, his heart thudding loudly in his ribcage. For some reason he was scared to read the next letter and the splotches of tears on that specific page weren't helping his pounding heart. It only thudded louder and faster. He tried to push back his fears and tried to breathe evenly. He uttered a 'Bismillah' and begun reading,

*

Dear Ameer,

Life is a place of trials and tests. How we act and behave in these trials and tests would determine our place in Aakhirah; Eternal Paradise or Eternal Hell-fire. We face a lot of trials and hardships in this life, some break under it and finish off their Aakhirah while some bear with it patiently and move on with a smile on their face. And who says that these hardships will prevail, for Allah Ta'ala says: 'With every hardship there is ease.' Sometimes the ease comes after years of hardships and sometimes it comes in a few days or months.

People say Allah tests only those whom He loves, but that is not it. He tests His slaves to see how close they are to him. He tests them to see how much they pray to him. He tests them to check the strength of their Istiana*. Likewise he tested me. He tested me in health, family ties, fear, hunger and loss. There came a time when I couldn't stand without support. Where I collapsed if I stood or sat for too long. Where I spent most my days on bed. Where I slept more than I stayed awake.Where everything I held slipped from my fingers because I was too weak to hold it. And at times like these I was reminded of Ayyub Alaihis Salam. The only body part of his that worked was his tongue and yet he never ceased to glorify Allah with that tongue of his. He had lost everything he had yet he said,' Oh Allah afflction has touched me and You are the Most Merciful of all those who show Mercy'. When I think of him I am reminded that I still have my hands, legs, eyes, ears and all my body with me and that they are only weakened. I remember that I can still pray. I can still walk, even though it is walking with aid. I still can do a lot of things. So why be unthankful when I have so many things to be thankful for? There were times in a day were I couldn't eat properly, I went through days by just surviving on a teaspoon or two of water. And I would be reminded to thank Allah for it as I would be questioned for even that drop of water that had entered my body. And how great was Allah for He kept me alive and breathing even through a drop of water.

I had my family with me but my ties with them were not strong. I could never become what they wanted me to. I had always been a disappointment to them. So even though I had my family I was alone. Why, because they never bothered much about me. But yet Allah had given me a reason to be thankful for, he gave me a brother. He gave me a brother who cared for me more than anybody could ever care for someone. He gave me a brother who would spend days sitting beside my hospital bed. He gave me a brother who would cry with me when I suffered from pain. He would hold my hand and rub them when I felt them weaken due to all the heavy dosed medicine they gave me. He would cry when I cried out from the pain in my body. It would feel like needles piercing me in my bones, blood and muscles. He would cry because he knew he couldn't do anything. How could I not thank Him when He had given me a reason to thank Him?