Damaged Together

Chapter Thirty Three

If any of you guys need to talk to someone, whether you are self-harming, want to share your story, have/are contemplating self-harm, or just wanna talk my inbox is literally always open. Even if I don’t update I go on wattpad at least once a day. Please please please seek help. I have been lucky enough to have my stepmom that has talked me out of a lot of stupid decisions that I could have made. She’s my “Bri” and my “Jesse” combined and my angel in disguise. Not everyone has someone like that in their life but I am willing to talk to you. And you’d be surprised at how many people will support you in recovery. You’re worth everything and you’re here for a reason.

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 When I wake up the next morning Jesse is holding me tight to his chest. I wiggle my way from his grasp and get up stumbling upon his shirt from last night. I am completely bare and so I slip it on and go to the bathroom. I don’t really feel different like I kinda expected too.

I mean I feel like things are different between me and Jess but that is more related to the fact that I kept so much from him for so long and now I don’t need to.

I feel like I should give him an explanation on why I did it though. But for some reason I am not nervous at all for that.

This is the first time that I’ve told someone about my past besides Bri. I turn down to look at the marks on my wrists. They are a part of me but for once I don’t feel like they are defining my life.

I feel arms wrap around my waist from behind and I look at the reflection in the mirror only to meet Jesse’s eyes looking back at me, “You are beautiful.” The perfect boy holding me mutters. “They don’t make you any less perfect in my eyes.” He kisses my neck. “And have I ever told you how much I love you wearing my clothes.”

I turn around to face him and sit on the counter. I pull his arms so that his body rests between my legs. “I want to explain.”

“I want to hear but I don’t want you to think you have to right now.” Despite him saying that I can see in his eyes that it is insincere. He wants me to tell him. And I want to tell him anyways.

“I want to.” I play with his hands, tracing all the lines to help me focus. “So you know my sister, Ellie, the one who died in the car accident?” He nods his head, “Before she died she was basically the bully that I never had an escape from. We got along great when we were kids but then as time went on she became emotionally and verbally abusive toward me. I began to believe everything she said and I started to hate myself. I was disgusted with my body, my personality, my hair, my face, everything about me. But then suddenly I just became numb. And I wanted to feel something. I yearned for emotion. Any kind of emotion. I still was disgusted with myself but it was like other than that I was empty. Incapable of feeling. I contemplated self-harm multiple times before I actually did it.” I choke on my words and I feel the tears pooling at my eyes. Jesse rubs tiny circles on my thigh with one hand and the other hand is used to caress my face, wiping away the tears.

“Then one night I was so empty, the lowest I thought I could be and I grabbed the blade and I did it.” I struggle to get the words out. “It became an addiction. I couldn’t stop. I was a mix between numb and sadness at this point. But cutting was my only way of relief but at the same time I constantly was feeling guilty and paranoid. When she died I stopped. I finally felt light come back into my life and I didn’t need that escape as bad as I previously did. I know how terrible that sounds and no matter what I still love her but I finally don’t have a constant negative in my life. People at school talk shit all the time and for a while I even lost Bri but for some reason none of that mattered. I’ve been sad for a really long time. I felt weight being lifted up off my shoulders however there was still a lot of sadness there. Until you. You showed me that there is light, there is happiness, for everyone. No, I am not happy all the time but you’ve been such a big part of my recovery and I don’t know if I would have made it this far if it wasn’t for you.”

I let out a breath of relief. I love being able to be honest with him.

His eyes are filled with endearment and he just stares into my eyes for a moment.  “I am not going to ask you to promise me you never will again because that’s not fair but I want you to promise me something else.”

I nod. I would do anything for this boy.

“Promise me you’ll never forget what this feels like. What we feel like. The butterflies I know we both get in the pits of our stomachs when we see each other. The way it feels when I connect the freckles on your back. The calm you get when you trace my hand- I know how it calms you down. The blush on your cheeks when I compliment you. The feeling of my shirt against your skin. The shocks that hopefully go through your body as much as they go through mine when our lips touch. The weekend vacations, the neck kisses, the way our hands intertwine perfectly together, our stupid arguments that I always let you win and the music jam sessions we always have. Those are reasons for you to stay alive. If for nothing else, think of those fucking things because I don’t think I could survive without you Alyssia.” I see tears pooling out of his eyes too I wrap my arms and legs around him and hold him as tight as possible.

“I wish I could take away your pain.” He whispers into my shoulder.

“You do.” I respond.

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WOW okay so sorry it took me so long to update.

I am getting used to my new school and my grandpa was going into surgery today (he’s out & is healthy again yay!!) and I’ve had a loot on my plate.

It seems like I am always making excuses, but yeah.

I won’t be updating until the earliest being Saturday unless I bring my laptop to the hospital with me tomorrow. I may write another quick one Friday but I don’t think so.

It won’t be a super long time though.

Love you and please don’t forget to vote and comment!!

Emily(: