Damaged Together

Chapter Forty Four

Alyssia’s POV

I am fuming. My hands are shaking. My vision is black. My legs are moving faster than my mind. And all I can think about is how bad I want to punch this woman’s skull in.

I am holding onto Jesse, I have no idea how hard I am squeezing his hand until he gives a gentle squeeze back. I slowly come back to reality and loosen my hand. My vision neutralizes and my breathing steadies.

Words tumble out of my mouth, “This is so fucked up. That was the spitting image of my mother in there and it makes me sick,” I spit out my words with hate. “I didn’t ask to be the way I am. Preston didn’t ask to be the way he is. We are just fucked up. We can’t fucking help it. Why doesn’t anyone understand that? I want to be like everyone else! I don’t want to constantly have this urge to end it. I want to be able to smile and be happy and not worry about the next time I am going to want to kill myself.” Without realizing it I have begun crying. The tears are hot against my cheeks.

I feel them roll down my face, probably leaving black stripes of makeup.

An image falls into my mind, a bridge, no rope and me.

Me jumping off repeats over and over in my head.

My teeth clench and my eyes shut trying to escape. Why don’t these thoughts go away?

 “I didn’t want to be this way. I can’t escape these fucking demons. They haunt me everywhere. Everywhere I turn and look there they are, Jesse, they are coming back. I don’t know what to do. I thought I was getting better and sometimes I feel better but then all the sudden I get waves of sadness. It’s an endless sick cycle and I don’t know what to do anymore.” My heart and my head hurts but the image is gone.

I have been trying to deny it but it’s the truth, my past is coming to haunt me, the depression is sneaking up on me once again. I pull at my hair to try to relieve the internal pain and make it external. My biggest issue comes out in bad habits.

And the scariest part is that it sneaks up on me. I will be happy and smiling one minute then the next I get back into the spot I was in what seems like was so long ago.

I bring my eyes to meet Jesse’s, my beautiful boy, “I understand if you want to bail on me. I’m a mess.” I try to smile but I end up letting more tears fall. “I’m sorry.”

He doesn’t say anything. And I feel like every fiber in me is being torn into pieces with each second of silence.

The hospital parking lot is empty and dark. I feel isolated. And the quiet is terrifying.

He steps closer to me and I feel a weight being lifted off of me. “You’re not as broken as you think.” His hand reaches up to my check, “I love you.” His other hand snakes around my back. “We are in this battle together. And I will never leave your side.” He places his lips on mine and carefully kisses life back into me. His mouth moves against mine and a spark is ignited in me.

Probably a spark that will die tonight or maybe tomorrow but its hope.

But my beautiful blind faith of this boy will be the death of me.

The way his fingertips run down my neck and to my collarbone burn shivers down into my spine to my toes.

Another tear drips down my face but out of appreciation. My life feels like complete havoc almost all the time but when I am in his arms it’s like cars slow down, babies stop crying and for a second, the world is alright.

And that’s all I want.

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SORRY IT’S SHORT

But I’ve been unbelievably swamped with homework and last weekend I was at a concert and the beach with my friend and stuff so it’s been difficult for consistent updates.

And this weekend I am going to yet again another concert and then a party. So I won’t update until Sunday probably so I figured this was better than nothing!!

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