Damaged Together

Chapter Thirteen

Lunch was so much fun and completely unforced. I can’t remember a time where I’d laughed so hard, with no worries, no fears. Just me and the people I love around me. And I was right, Conrad was amazing.

He cared so much for Bri. He wasn’t too clingy but it was evident he wanted to be with her. I’d look up at him and would find him looking at her with so much intensity in his eyes. There was no denying their love.

You’d probably never look at us four and think we’d be friends- the damaged and quiet girl, the mysterious bad boy, the surfer boy and the flamboyant fashionista.

But it was just so easy with the four of us.

For whatever reason it was, we were all supposed to come together. Because it fit together too well to just be a coincidence.

We all finished our delicious, and large, meals and continued to talk and goof around, shooting spitballs and attempting to make paper airplanes out of napkins, which was the boys’ idea.

I checked the time on my phone, “Shit!” I spoke out and probably a little too loud since I got dirty looks from the customers in the booths around us.

Bri, Conrad nor Jesse paid any attention to the looks we received. “What??” They all asked at once.

“The DMV closes in an hour.” Which meant I had to get over there quite soon.

“Damn, that blows. I was really having a good time.” Conrad said. Yay, that meant he was having fun too. But he was right. I didn’t want this to end either, but it had too.

“Me too. We will have to do this again.” Jesse said and gently laid his hand on my leg under the table.

I nuzzled up to him while Bri spoke, “It sucks that we live in two separate towns.” She stuck out her bottom lip and pouted while grabbing Conrad’s arm and pulling it over her so she could rest her head on his chest.

“On the bright side, I will be coming over later!” I tried to brighten the mood.

“Very true!” Bri said happily!

Conrad started on a sentence, “Oh, so you are coming to the-“ Bri smacked his leg under the table, attempting to be sneaky about it but failing miserably.

I was confused. “Coming to the… what?” I asked, waiting for him to finish his sentence.

“I just mean, you’re coming over later? Cause I may come over and watch a movie or something so I might see you.” He spoke with long pauses between phrases. He was obviously not being truthful. Oh God, who knows what they have up their sleeve=.

Despite my curiosity I decided to drop the subject since I had to go get my license and my mind could only focus on one big occurrence at once right now. We all said our “goodbyes” or “see you laters” and walked to our separate cards. Anxiousness started to fill the pit of my stomach, making me feel physically ill.

Jesse slid into the driver side of his car and I shakily got into the passenger side.  “I can’t do this Jess. I am freaking out” I didn’t like cars in the first place and now I was going to get my license. There are so many things I could screw up. So many people I could hurt. I began panicking.

 “You’ll do fine Lyssa.” He spoke calmly. I got lost in his voice and it surprisingly slowed my heart rate… But only momentarily.

“You don’t understand. I’ve barely driven.” I began to ramble out of fear, “I haven’t had the chance really. I mean whose car was I supposed to drive? But what if I do get it and I crash? Jesse, I can’t crash. What if I hurt someone else? Oh God, help me.” I began feel my heart quicken again and my chest tighten. I suddenly couldn’t form words. I felt helpless and unable to neither move nor speak.

Not again. Please not again. This was what it felt like at the beginning of the two panic attacks I’ve had two before, I got one when they told me that Ellie died and one the first time I got blamed for her death. They are literally the most terrifying thing of my life.

 I felt my body thumping and tried to remember “the steps.”

The “Four Simple Steps to End an Anxiety Attack.” Yeah, not so simple when it’s actually happening.

But what if this isn't just a normal panic attack and I am having a heart attack. What if I die?

I am only 16. I haven’t even gone out of the country or met anyone famous or fallen in love. I rambled on and on in my head about how I am too young to die.

I tried to be rational for a moment.

I am not dying. I have to do the four steps. First I have to relax. I began speaking in my head, “Okay, it’s okay. Calm down Lys. It’s just a panic attack. You’re okay.” After some continuous chanting I began to calm a little.

Next, stop the negative thinking. Okay, simple right? “I’ll do fine. Stop the negativity. Stop. I’ll get the license and everyone will be okay.” I repeated over and over until I began to believe it myself.

I felt my chest loosen and began to feel some relief. Wow, this was actually working.

Damn coping statements are next. “I am going to calm myself down. I am going to go to the DMV and I am going to get my license. I will be a safe driver and never crash. I won’t hurt anybody else.” I began doing positive thinking in my head like that until I felt almost back to normal.

Now I just have to “Accept the Feelings.” Psh, like that’ll happen. I don’t accept shit.

But I told myself a couple more times that I was going to be okay. And just like that, I completely believed it. I let out a sigh of relief for feeling slightly normal again.

It was just at that time that I realized that Jesse was still sitting in the car. Fabulous. My boyfriend just witnessed me absolutely freak-out. Yeah, big turn on.

I felt my cheeks heat up and I reluctantly locked eyes with him expecting to see judgment, or fear or even confusion. But those were the last things I saw. His face was completely open for me to read, he looked so venerable and his had such a worried look in his eyes. It broke my heart.

My whole body locked and I began to feel tears pooling at the bottom of my eyes. He was scared for me.

He seemed to snap out of his trance and wrapped his arms around me for a hug, despite the awkwardness of the middle compartment trapped between us it was one of the best feelings ever. I felt no doubt in his feelings toward me. I felt secure in where we stood and that was something I have never had with anyone.

“Are you okay? God, I didn’t know what to do! I was afraid I was going to lose you.” He acted like I hadn’t totally just hyperventilated and acted like the freak I am in front of him; he was acting as if I had slipped on the sidewalk or something. He didn’t try to treat me like there was something mentally wrong with me. Like I belonged in a mental ward or I needed to get myself some help which was how everyone else made me feel.

“I’m okay.” I spoke into his shoulder. And I was. I had all I needed. I sat back into my seat and sighed a breath of relief.

We intertwined our hands and Jesse began driving to the DMV so I could get my license.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hello my gorgeous (or handsome) readers.

So I was going to make this super long and stuff but I hadn’t updated in a while and I wanted to put up another chapter so I didn’t write as much as I desiredd.

 It’s a little bit of a filler chapter, I know, but all hell is going to break loose sooner or later, so I thought I might give you guys a little bit of happiness while I could.

Anyways, I just wanted to thank each and every one of you.

I love you alllllllll.

Xx, Emily.

Ohh, and yaknow you wanna vote & comment & follow & tell your friends. Woo.