His Eyes, His Smile.

Part 16

I stood like a statue, unable to move or speak, just staring up into his endless eyes. Just the thought that I had hurt him, killed me.

"James! You're here... but.. I thought.. you wouldn't...I just.." I stammered, trying to convey my thoughts.

"Please don't say anymore, just listen. I'm not mad, after all I am standing here, but I can't necessarily say I'm happy either. But thinking about you freezing out here.. I couldn't let you do that. So if you want, you can come back home with me. We don't have to talk or anything, it'll just be a warm place for you to sleep"

"Okay" was the only word I could get out in one cold and broken breath.

The familiar hum of our crappy old car was the only sound all the way home. I wanted to talk to James but I couldn't say anything, even if I tried. For the first time in a while, I felt nothing, just the comfort of being warm.

"I can crash on the couch, you can take the bed." James said as we walked in the door.

"James.. really? It's only been two days, are you sure you don't want us both to sleep in our bed..?"

"Alice, I'd rather the couch, thank you. Goodnight."

Maybe I had pushed my welcome by asking but I really did miss sleeping next to someone. Rolling over in the middle of the night to see their face close to yours, watching the soft rise and fall of their chest. But I guess this was a luxury I had lost.

The scent of James laced every pillow and sheet in our bed. Sleeping would be almost impossible. I lay awake, staring at a picture of us that stood on his bedside table through the darkness of the room. Thoughts swirled in my head.

~~

"James! Help!"

"You're screaming will do you no good, he can't hear you."

"Why? What did you do to him?!"

"Why would I tell you that, silly girl. Now, I've heard enough of you, talking time is over"

A thick layer of duck tape went across my mouth. I protested as much as the bondage on my hands and feet would let me. Screaming as much as I could, though muffled from the tape.

My heart was racing from panic and sped up at the sight of a knife drawing near me.

~~

Just then, James shook me by my shoulders awake. My breathing was rapid and sweat poured down my brow.

"Wha-what happened?!" I exclaimed looking around confused and wide awake from fear.

"Don't worry I'm here, it's okay. You were having a nightmare." James consoled, holding me in his arms with great concern and rocking me till my heaving and tears stopped and I fell back asleep.

It felt strange yet comforting to wake up with my head against James' chest. Carefully unwrapping myself from under his arms, trying not to wake him, I went to our little porch that connected to a side of our bedroom.

The sun was just coming up over the horizon and everything its rays touched were golden. All sorts of crimson and rose flushed the sky. Dawn is truly one of the most beautiful things. The city was silent, masked with a radiating new day, fresh crisp air, and the soft sound of the earliest bird singing a lone tune.

Ashamed that I craved a cigarette, I caved into my bodies weakness and snuck inside to get one from my bag.

"And I thought you hated cigarettes." James spoke from behind me making me jump just as I was about to light my cigarette. His voice was groggy and still filled with sleep.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you up." I apologized feeling strangely embarrassed that James was watching me smoke.

"It's okay."

We stayed in silence for awhile after that, yet not in awkward silence but a silence of understanding. More things were said through just the presence of each other than our voices ever could have. My mind was busy though, making a list of every single reason why I didn't deserve this boy. A list of everything I had done to hurt him that he didn't deserve. Guilt caught in my throat.

James finally broke the silence, saving me from my own minds torture.

"You know Alice, there's not a god damn thing in this world that could make me stop loving you in some way shape or form."

I stared back at him feeling the sincerity through his eyes. Those eyes... that look that I couldn't resist. Why did he always look at me like that. All the purity and honest love in the world couldn't sum up the look he gave me. Quickly I put out my cigarette and threw my arms around him. Tears were trying to push their way through but I forced myself not to start balling.

"I'm..I'm sorry James. For everything."