His Eyes, His Smile.

Part 15

The next morning I awoke, freezing and with a sore back. The air was crisp and dew adorned each blade of grass. The sun was just coming up over the horizon, fog dusting the mountains.

On the way to school, I stopped at the 711 and bought coffee and a pack of cigarettes. Even though cigarettes were the very thing I despise, the thing that took my grandpas life, I bought them nonetheless. The sad and seemingly lovely fact that their main symptom was death lingered over me like a comfort . Realizing that it was still way too early to go to school, which was about 15 minutes from this particular 711, I sat outside the store and lit up.

The first drag completely filled my lungs with bittersweet smoke. I closed my eyes and let it trail out of my lips. The taste was earthy and full and my body felt immediately calmer. I coughed a bit with the second puff. All I could feel was memories and nicotine.

I finished two cigarettes and then got up to start heading to school, sipping my now cold enough to drink coffee. I got more and more anxious as I neared the school. I wondered if James had told his friends about me or told Cody he knew or got mad at Cody.

I just didn't want to face school or him or anybody really. Luckily for me I didn't have any classes with James but I knew I'd have to see Cody, we were lab partners after all.

Part of me wished and hoped James wasn't mad at me and the other cringed at his name from remembering how angry I was over the fight, if you can even call it that.

The morning classes flew by and I ate my lunch in the library amongst my favorite authors and characters. Being in a room full of books always made me feel less alone.

I walked in to chemistry, head sunk to the ground, avoiding eye contact, and sat down next to Cody.

"Hey you okay Alice? We've all been worried sick about you, I heard you never came home last night!" Cody said putting his hand on my back in a comforting manner.

"Yeah I'm fine I guess...What'd James tell you?"

I hoped to god he hadn't told him much.

"James told me nothing, haven't seem him all day. Connor was the one who told me you'd gone missing, why'd you leave though Alice?" He asked.

"We sorta got in to a fight.. "

"Oh.. that's not good to hear. Well I hope things work out for you two." He chided all to happily.

Cody turned himself away from me. His hope was a lie, anybody could tell he wished differently for James and I's relationship.

"Cody.." Gently I turned his face back to mine. Before I could finish my thoughts the professor started to teach and Cody, after holding my gaze a minute longer, turned to listen.

"I love you." I whispered, barely audible to even myself. I don't know if Cody heard me or not but at that very second he took my hand into his gently rubbing the back of it with his thumb.

Pressure pushed against my chest and a tight grip of anxiety choked my throat. It felt as if I was drowning on air. My lungs, I guessed, had decided to give up on me too.

Torn down the middle of what was right and what felt right lay my stupid broken heart. Nothing felt good anymore. Happiness wasn't even something I could comprehend. At times I felt nothing, at others I felt everything all at once. It was like I was stuck in torturous never ending spiral of feelings, getting tossed about frivolously.

I hated this. I hated myself. All of this was my own fault and now I've hurt every single person I love. I had no one to turn to, no one to lean on, absolutely nobody.

And to top it all off, I was homeless.

I passed the rest of my day at the park on the bench where I had slept the night before. I watched, crying off and on, as families, friends and couples wandered through the park, reminding me yet even more of how lonely I was. Stuck with no solutions and feeling sorry for myself.

Turning a dark shade of blue, the eminent cold night would soon hit me like a bullet. I wiped away stale tears from my cheeks and started to make some sort of bed out of the bench.

"Well that doesn't look comfortable at all." a mans voice said behind me.

Swirling around and almost knocking him over, I recognized the stranger's face. It was James.