His Eyes, His Smile.

Part 5

I awoke in our bed, James sleeping soundly beside me. My head throbbed with pain and confusion. The clock on my bedside table flashed 6AM. I was so lost. The last thing I could remember was trying to find James at Taylor's party. Slipping out of bed, I silently walked to the kitchen. On the couch Matt slept, Cody and Connor sprawled out on the floor beside him. I wondered where Claire was, hadn't she been at the party last night too? Taking out a glass from the cabinet I filled it from the tap trying to be as quiet as possible. Tiptoeing back to our room I set the glass down on my bedside table and, careful not to wake James, got back into bed. I turned over, putting my arms around James and tried to fall back to sleep. I'd figure things out when someone was awake to help me understand.

"What happened last night guys, I want to know everything." I heard James say sternly, striking me out of sleep.

There was a pillow in my arms where James used to be. I looked over at the clock and it read 1PM. The house smelled like cigarettes. My nose cringed at the scent and I got up and trudged out to the kitchen to investigate.

"Why does it smell like cigarettes in here?" I questioned in a spacey tone.

"Good morning love." James cooed giving me a huge bear hug, holding on tighter than usual.

"How are you feeling?"

"Really fucking hungover." Rubbing my eyes I tried to shake the sleepiness.

At saying this I heard the boys laugh under their breath a bit.

"Why the hell does it smell like cigarettes in here." I asked again. "You know I don't like the smell of cigarettes James"

My grandpa had been a chain smoker when I was a kid. I remember telling him he should stop but he would always just laugh and say "stop? Oh sweetie, it's too late for that." I never understood what he meant by too late but I didn't dare ask. Me and my grandpa had been the best of friends. As a kid he was my only friend and we would do everything together. I always had a fear of him though, he was just that kind of man. Kind at the heart but stood with an intimidating stature. Nobody understood why I enjoyed his company so much but my grandpa had the best stories and the best advice underneath the whole tough guy act. He was the only one I could talk too about anything and everything. The day he got diagnosed with terminal cancer I remember running for hours in the rain. I couldn't, wouldn't,believe that this had happened to him. At the age of 11 my grandpa was invincible to me and I swore nothing could take him away from me. After his funeral the smell of cigarettes repulsed me.

"Babe I'm sorry, Connor had a smoke earlier." James apologized putting his hand on my arm.

I closed my eyes. My head felt so dizzy.

"What happened last night?" I asked looking around at all of their faces for answers.

"You got super drunk." Connor laughed.

"Oh and you made out with some chick." Matt said sheepishly, turning bright cherry red.

"Oops." I said looking apologetically up at James.

"Don't worry babe, I just wish I could've seen." James laughed, earning a chuckle from all the guys, except Cody. He just sat staring off into space, looking curiously on edge, as we discussed the rest of events that happened.

As Connor and Matt retold the story it started to sound less and less familiar to me. Then they got to a part I had absolutely no memory of. All of a sudden they were acting weird, seeming strangely awkward and rambling on making no sense at all.

"Guys, I'm confused. I don't remember her finding me at all but you say she did?" James questioned, looking as lost as I was.

"Yeah see that's the thing.. You mistook Cody for James and.." Matt's voice trailed off as his eyes turned to Cody.

He suddenly averted his eyes away from everybody. My first instinct was that they were all hiding something.

"What happened?" I demanded.

"I thinks it's best Cody tell you the rest. Just to you though Alice. We'll fill in James." Connor rushed, getting up.

"Uh why..?" I asked still just as confused.

Without answering my question, Connor, Matt and James all left outside and I heard a car drive away. Cody and I were left sitting awkwardly in silence beside each other.

"So.. What happened?"

Cody stared down at his fidgeting hands and bit his lip nervously.

"You kind of tried to have sex with me.." He muttered, fading into silence.

"WHAT?!"

"You kept calling me James and you were going so fast I didn't even know what was happening. One minute you were saying hi and the next you were dragging me up the stairs to a bedroom. I tried to make you stop but you kept telling me to keep going and you wouldn't let me leave. And I was drunk and you were you know there, on top of me, naked and I.." Cody exclaimed, almost all in one breath.

My heart beat sped up and I felt my cheeks burning fiercely. How could I not remember this happened?

"You could've left, and made me stop. You're strong enough. Why did you keep going?!" I asked getting defensive and looking him straight in the eyes.

"Fuck Alice, I think we both know the answer to that question. You've got to stop pretending like nothing ever happened between us back in high school okay. You knew how I felt.. well feel about you," Cody argued, raising his voice.

"Are you kidding me?! You didn't feel anything about me. You had a fucking girlfriend" My eyes started to swell as my voice raised to match his. "All you ever wanted back then was to fuck me behind your girlfriends back because she didn't live in the same god damn city and you couldn't last a night without her. Don't you dare try and sell me that bullshit, you didn't like me at all," I yelled, my voice struggling from the lump that was forming in the back of my throat. "But I actually did like you y'know. I had the maddest crush on you since the 5th grade and when you found out all you did was laugh about it with your friends."

"Alice! I did have feelings for you! The moment I found out you had a crush on me I broke up with Claudia, it was just complicated. But after you told me you never wanted to see again I thought you hated me so I got back with Claudia even though she could tell I was still clearly in love with you. God Alice if only you knew how god damn hard it's been just seeing you with James.." He tried to explain.

"Cody I tried to believe you liked me, I really did, but all you did was treat me like shit. I don't think you understood how I felt. I used to dream about you and me. But all you wanted was sex, DURING the time you and Claudia WERE STILL TOGETHER!," I yelled, pausing to take a breath and clear the tears from my eyes. "I waited Cody, I waited forever. And maybe things could've been different but they're not. I found someone who treats me exactly the way I always wanted you to. And yes I'll admit, I didn't even want a relationship when me and James started dating and yeah maybe some of it was to make you jealous but fuck, Cody, I've fallen in love with him now." I choked.

"I guess I just couldn't keep up this act, this whole hostility toward each other when I feel nothing but the opposite. James knows, you know? that I've loved you since I can remember. And I guess in the moment I couldn't give up the one chance I had to hold you.." Cody falters, standing up and turning his face away from mine. "I'm sorry Alice, for everything. I'm sorry I even brought up anything of this. I should go." He affirmed as he grabbed his sweater and left, closing the door loudly behind him.

For at least ten minutes, I sat staring into space with no clue in the world what to feel. I kept replaying our words over and over again in my head. After the first two weeks of dating James I had stopped liking Cody but right now I just felt so confused. I love James. I thought in my head. And I knew that was true but my old feelings were cutting their way back and it made my heart a mess. All I knew right now was I wanted James to come home and that's it.