things

i'm emo again oops

I've recently discovered that the hardest part about a funeral isn't the fact that whoever passed is gone.

It's watching your usually tough, amazing family looking so broken.

I've known my uncle for 13 years, and I've never seen him cry until today.

It ruined me.

Watching your aunt break down in the middle of a speech, the one who never wanted to let you see how much she was hurting is hard.

Seeing the cousin you looked up to, the cousin you still look up to looking so upset all while trying to stay strong for her kid is more than upsetting.

My grandma is one of the toughest people I know, and she didn't know what to do or say or feel all day.

My cousins (who are usually too proud to cry) were complete messes, my parents were complete messes, and everyone was just insanely emotional and exhausted.

My dad held it together (thankfully) and my mom did too (for the most part) but I don't think that I've ever shed more tears than I did today.

I usually hate my family, but my uncles are pretty cool, my aunts kick ass, my cousins are okay I guess, and honestly, I'm just really happy they were all there because I don't think I would've been able to hold it together when I needed to if they weren't.

I'm distressed, exhausted and hurting but I'm also amazed at how proud I am of my family.

I don't always love them as much as I should, but it's times like these where I realize just how much they mean to me. (And just how much I'm stuck with them)

I'm kinda helpless without them around, to be honest.

Truthfully, this is all over the place (oh god my aunt's possessed me) and probably doesn't even make sense but whatever. I felt like writing it all down and letting it out and since this is my rant book I'ma do this shit.