things

i need to stop

so I'm in a predicament and the cause of my predicament has a Wattpad and I hope she doesn't read this but I don't honestly even think we're friends anymore so I'm just gonna rant and be done because this is fucking with my mind and I need to get it off my chest.

a while ago, I was crushing on one of my friends. we were pretty close, and I was convinced nothing could ruin the bond we had.

turns out, I was wrong.

anyways, it went on like that for like four months until one day the two of us were messing around in science (because we're such dedicated students and totally pay attention in class all the time pfft what) and she dared me to ask out my biggest female crush in the grade.

as fate would have it, it was her.

so naturally, I admitted it, and she saw it casually.

later that night, she texted me about it and asked me what that meant for our relationship, and how she wasn't ready to date again yet but she wanted to date a girl.

naturally, I had my suspicions later on over whether or not she actually wanted to date me or date me simply because I was a girl and that turned into a whole ordeal on top of it all.

I wasn't sure either of us were ready quite yet, so I just told her we'd figure out when we were ready and go from there.

the next day was pretty chill (actually it wasn't chill because my friends kept screaming at everyone and telling them it was my birthday and it was so awkward anyways moving on) and we ended up picking her up like twenty minutes early because shit happened and she had something to do and blah blah blah.

we just kind of messed around for a while, until we started talking about crushes. she started describing me and just goes "basically I'm asking you out" (like the smooth ass criminal she was) and I obviously said yes.

I remember feeling so fucking happy the entire night, feeling like everything worked out in my favor for once.

turns out, it was too good to be true.

she was a lot of firsts for me, in that one night I thought she actually genuinely cared.

that night meant so much to me, and it meant absolutely nothing to her.

first relationship, first female crush, first kiss. I'm still kicking myself for giving them away so easily, but in my defense, I really thought we stood a chance.

starting the next morning, she already seemed distant. I brushed it off, thinking it was an off day of sorts or something.

it must've been an off week for her, too.

the week went by, I had multiple breakdowns, and eventually I ended up losing it the night of graduation.

my girlfriend was willing to confide in everyone.

everyone but me.

I knew what that said, and it wasn't good.

by then I'd accepted that it was as good as over.

that night, I lost one of my most important relationships, but I strengthened so many other ones.

she told me she thought she was a better friend than girlfriend and wasn't able to give me the kind of relationship I needed, and we both ended up deciding to take a break.

I held off moving on, for her.

yet I got a text a few weeks later.

her best friend asked her out, and she said yes.

*cue meltdown #69*

it wasn't her thinking she wasn't good for me.

it was me not being good enough for her.

so I lost countless firsts that were important to me to a one sided relationship, and I think that's what hurts the most.

if you need me, I'll be in the emo corner with Wonwoo.

k thx bai