Denying Dreams

11.

I didn't believe it. I didn't want it to be true. But it is and it was.

I mean, how can you deny death when it's looking you in the eye.

Well his eyes were closed but I saw him, I saw his lifeless body beneath mine as I stood over his coffin.

It's funny, he didn't want everyone looking dead and wearing black, he asked for us to wear white instead. As a sign of light he put in his eulogy. He was waiting for death to come apparently. With him having cancer and all you know.

Why didn't he tell me? Sure we weren't allowed to talk to each other but he could of found a way to tell me. I would have done it for him. Now he's gone.

What the fuck?

"Why'd you have to leave me you asshole?", I said looking at his body. I'm alone in the cemetery where no one is here yet. I got here before anyone so I could talk to him.

" You're such a dick!", I got angry remembering his last words to me.

That rejection was his last will to me.

It didn't have to be though. We could of had one last kiss, one last hug. I didn't even get to say I loved him. The only person I've loved this way, leaves me. That's fucking bullshit.

This world is so messed up, he was the world's apology letter for all the world's done to us.

His smile was so bright and it always made my day. He was my happiness. Since I was parted from him, I wasn't able to smile as much anymore. Now that he's gone for good, I don't think could even fake a smile anymore.

I want to say it. I need to say it out loud so I won't have to deal with that pain anymore.

"You know, you were the one. I know you knew it. You had to be. Yeah you were a jackass in elementary but I warmed up to you.", I smile at the memories.

They're the only thing that can keep me smiling.

"Remember that one time, I came over your house and we put honey in Gemma's shampoo.", I laughed and I could of swore I heard another laugh.

A distant one, but it was right next to me too.

"Oh, what about when he practiced football inside at my house and we broke the TV, but blamed it on Todd.", Todd was my dog.

We didn't have him for that long though, Lottie thought he needed to go play so she left the gate open and we haven't seen Todd since.

I laughed again and the other laugh got louder. I didn't feel scared though. It was comforting, and I don't know, maybe I'm just crazy but,

I swear it was Harry's laugh.

" Harry?", I said out loud looking around.

It was dead silent.

That might not be the right thing to say with me standing in a cemetery.

I called his name again but got nothing. Nothing at all. I shook my head thinking I was crazy.

"I love you Cherry boy. There I said it.", I said silently and felt my eyes watering.

" I love you so much.", my voice cracking as I fell to my knees.

I felt a hand on my shoulder and turned around quick, scared. The hand on my shoulder was light, cold and belonged to the person I loved the most in this world.

"Hi Louis."