Find Her, Keep Her (CFTM Sequel)

Chapter 7 (Part 1)

*Note: Click the Youtube link above to listen to the Audiobook Version of this chapter voiced by Kristen Maglonzo featuring music by Sara Bareilles, Ellie Goulding, and Avril Lavigne.

Alex

I can't eat.

I know that I should, that I could just pick up the piece of pizza in front of me and stuff it in my mouth like the thought of swallowing it doesn't make me sick, but I just--

"You okay, Alex?"

--can't.

Kai reaches across our tiny candle-lit table and laces his fingers between mine. I take in his warmth, his gentleness, and his always consistent comfort, but it doesn't settle me.

It can't.

He can't.

Not tonight.

But I bury that truth somewhere Kai won't find it and smile back at him 'til the worry in his eyes flickers out.

It only ever takes a couple seconds--

--to hide.

To put on a mask I've spent a year perfecting.

My parents think I'm happy, that I've bounced back after a "rough end to a summer fling" like the unbreakable girl they think I am.

But I'm not, I just know how to hide the cracks. I paint over them with progress--perfect grades, perfect attendance, and a perfect ending to my senior year.

Full-ride to college, boyfriend to boot.

Perfectly superficial perfection.

And nobody worries.

Nobody thinks anything's wrong.

Nobody asks questions.

Not even the people who love me, or wish they knew how.

All my pretty lies keep the world turning, and everyone ends up happy. Everyone except me. But there's nothing wrong with lying if the lies you live out are less dangerous than dealing with the truth.

"Yeah, I just--"

Saw a ghost.

"--think the jet lag's catching up with me. Sorry, babe, I know you wanted tonight to be special."

Kai's been raving about taking me to the infamous "Enzo's" ever since I confessed my Ninja-turtle like love for New York Pizza over Skype a couple months ago. He's got this list of hole-in-the-wall restaurants in the area he wants us to try together--and Enzo's is first.

I should be head over heels for this moment. I should be sharing a pizza with a boy who's sweet enough to take me out to a place he knew I'd fall in love with.

But I'm out of it.

My head's somewhere else. Stuck suffocating in the hallway of Quad 3 along with my appetite.

"It's alright, Alex. I probably shouldn't have opted for greasy food on your first day back. Can I interest you in a gourmet can of Chicken Noodle soup instead? My treat?"

I nod and try my hardest to mirror his megawatt smile across the table, but I can't. My lips suddenly feel unnatural, too rehearsed, too posed.

He notices.

His eyes wash over my face like he's looking to find a way in, a way to cross lines I don't want him to.

So I redirect his attention away from my white lies by doing the one thing I know I shouldn't. The one thing the old Alex wouldn't. But who I used to be and who I am now are two completely different people, and the girl sitting across from Kai tonight, will do just about anything not to be seen.