DIARY OF A CAT

12th November, 2011- A SUNDAY

7:00 AM

I have great expectations today and in fact, I will not let anything thwart my plans. Today is Sunday and I woke up having the usual painful pangs of hunger in my belly. One of these days I am going to collapse into unconsciousness due these unbearable morning hunger pangs. Kelvin says I need to visit a dietitian veterinarian for diagnosis and prognosis, maybe I have some deadly cancer of the stomach or something deadlier. God forbid such vile pronunciations.

I entered the kitchen with my expectant heart still in place. I remembered I had my favourite safe in the refrigerator ans so my problem was solved. Kelvin was in the kitchen preparing his breakfast and mine. Looks like my positive attitude was already working. I have been reading a book on positive thinking, and in fact, i can see a change in my life.

"Good morning, buddy? Breakfast? I feel so dried."

"Did you fly yesterday?" Kelvin asked.

"Fly? Where?" I asked, pausing a minute to look at Kelvin. He was already dressed for church service.

"On the broomstick?" He asked.

"Broomstick? What are you insinuating?"

"I was just thinking. You always wake up feeling hungry. I thought it is only work that causes hunger. And so, I thought you could a wizard cat who flies on a broomstick and maybe during the field of your night practice you happen to turn into a tiger or lion or something fierce and you are made to do all the chasing. That's my..." Kelvin explained.

"This is outrageous. Listen, if I were a wizard-cat, I would have caught you for the witches' barbecue long ago. This is unbelievable." I said. "I'm terribly hungry, Kelvin. Could you please re-heat my supper?"

"Tha's not possible, Ofori"

"Why, not?"

"It's supper and not breakfast. I'll just prepare something vegetarian and.."

"Vegetarian? What has come over  you? I'm not a goat or a sheep nor some hopeless carnivore who will never taste flesh and blood. I am a cat. a carnivore who will stop at nothing to have a PIECE OF YOUR FLESH!" I yelled with all my straight. I wanted him to hear me well. I sighed and licked my fur. I hadn't had my warm bath yet so I had to do some picking. That eases my anger. "Now, please, some milky, high-in-fat breakfast, please. I am famished to death"

"Ofori, you can't eat any of those. Have you forgotten about your date with Sheila next weekend?"

"What's that supposed to have in connection with my advocacy for some healthy breakfast?"

"You know hoe Sheila, the famous neighbourhood cat is"

"yes, I do. So?"

"You remember what she did to Bunny, Mr. Agyei's cat?"

"Hmmm?"

"Do you want to end up like him?"

"Why would I? I'm sexy and fresh" I said, turning around and shaking my buttocks.

"But you are fat and shapeless"

"What did you say? You insulted me? How dare you, Kelvin?"

"Yes, honestly speaking, you are a fat cat and that destroys your chances of ever being with Sheila" Kelvin said.

"That can't be possible. I am lean and muscular or perhaps I should ask that. Am I not lean and muscular with six packs and sexy abbs?"

"No, Ofori. You have only a pack. You are not lean. And your abbs are disgustingly repulsive and not one bit sexy"

I screamed. I shouted. I yelled. Not with fury but with despair.

I ran into my bedroom and stood before the mirror. I turned my buttocks at the mirror and ..oh, no, what i saw scared me. I looked at every bit of my body and I was instantly depressed. I was a fat ugly cat with no advantage of wining sexy Sheila. But I have been pressing up every two minutes every morning. Why hasn't it worked by now?

kelvin appeared at the door.

"We have week to put you back in shape to thrill Sheila" he said.

That couldn't be possible. What has happened to the cat race. Formerly, a fat cat was admired and appreciated but now female cats want lean and muscular ones. I'm ruined!

Oh, what a morning!