Abused//L.H. COMPLETE

Ch 41

I felt the need to add this in here so skip if you wish.

Dear Christina Grimmie, 

You are such a big inspiration to me, you're in such a better place now and you will be truly and dearly missed. I grew up watching your videos and your cover of "Just a Dream" by Nelly will always be my favorite, even though your singing on the voice was phenomenal, and the song "Tell my Mama" is the definition of perfect. I just wanted to thank you for inspiring me and being one of my major role models. I love you, forever and always.

Also sending prayers for victims in the Orlando mass shooting, this is a cruel world we live in and I pray for all the families affected. 

~~~~~~~~~

The more I walk around our flat the more I don't want to leave, I realize how empty it is and how I could work and get enough money to design it. I guess my main reason is money, it always comes down to money.

The boys all left like half an hour ago to go home and shower and change. Home. I've never met Luke's mom, wtf. Hopefully I'm meeting her soon. I wonder if she even knows that I exist. 

 I check the time on my iPhone, 10:30. They should be getting back sometime soon. I walk to my room to pet Addie, I end up laying down and almost falling asleep until I hear the door open and Ashton yell "I'M BACK BABY!" Meghan runs up to him and hugs him. How can she be so happy, I'm over here depressed because I'll miss Luke. As much as I love him, I can't go with them, its just not right. 

~~~

"Are you ready for bed baby girl?" Luke asks motioning for me to come to bed. 

"Yeah." I say gulping in guilt. He seems so happy and I have to break this sad news to him, honestly what kind of person am I? I still have to tell him or I'll feel worse. As Luke gets into bed I strip down until I'm in a sports bra and a over sized t-shirt. 

"Aw you look so cute." Luke compliments me making me feel even worse for wanting to stay. 

"Luke," I say, I decide this is the right time and I'm unsure why, I walk over to him and sit down on my bed, "Can I be one hundred percent honest with you?" I ask already knowing he'll say yes. 

"Of course babe." He says, oh Jesus don't call me that, it makes this so much harder for me. 

"Um,Idon'tthinkthatI'mgonnagoontourwithyouguys." I blurt out really fast.

"What?" Luke says in the most heartbreaking tone. 

"Its just not---." and Luke cuts me off.

"I can't fucking believe you Amanda!" He nearly yells. What.

"Luke plea---." He cuts me off again. 

"Are you kidding, I've helped you through so much I went out of my way." Luke storms off out of my room. I start to cry, I'm heart broken, I never though he would actually react like that. This pain is new, its different, usually I didn't feel sad about my 'dad' because I was so used to it by then. Maybe if there is a God, this is his way of telling me that Luke and I aren't meant to be, because I mean, he didn't even try to understand. 

I start to think negatively, I put myself in a depressed state. I start to cry  uncontrollably. I can't stop crying I try to make myself stop but I can't. I walk to the bathroom and open the drawer, I used to cut all the time until I forced myself to stop, but I have this feeling, it's almost as if I'm craving it.  

I hesitate as I reach for the razor, Amanda don't. As if my brain and my heart and my nerves have no connection at all, I bring the razor to my wrist and cut. I cry and a tear lands on a fresh cut making it sting. I cry harder out of heartbreak and I start to become disappointed in myself for what I have done but I keep going anyways. I soon come to a stop, I sit there and cry for a minute. I'm no longer clean. I decide to try to sleep the pain off, I grab a dark colored washcloth and dampen it, then I wrap it around my wrist. The cold water stings but soothes at the same time. I shut off the bathroom light and tie-toe back to my bedroom, I wish I had my own bathroom.  When I get back to my room I find Addie whimpering on my bed and shaking her tail in anxiousness. Still crying, I shut my lights off and get into bed. Addie decides to calm down and sits at the foot of the bed. My eyes grow heavy and before I know it I'm dreaming of what could have happened instead of what did.

~~~~~~

I wake up to a dark room, and Addie laying with her face right in front of mine.  As if shes been watching me she starts to get excited that I'm awake. I reach over to grab my phone on my bedside table and whimper as I do it, in pain. The towel falls to the floor, its covered in blood, and bled through onto my white sheets. Fuck. I pick the towel up off the floor and now there's a slight stain on the carpet I set the cloth on my bedside table and grab my phone, its 10:00. I have to meet with the cop in an hour. I sit up and see that my cuts have stopped bleeding. I walk to the bathroom quickly but quietly, I don't think anyone's here, so much for them going with me to meet with the police. I wring out the towel and wash out the sink so you can't tell there was ever blood in it. The flat can with a washer and a dryer in a closet so I quickly throw the towel in to attempt to wash out the blood. I don't think we own any band-aids. I decide now would be a good time to walk Addie around. I'm pretty sure I saw a grocery across the street from our apartment building. I wash all of my makeup off and leave my hair down and natural.  

I put Addie's leash on.  I then change into a UCLA jumper, that came from lord knows where and leggings. I slide on some black converse and Leave the apartment not forgetting my phone or to lock up the place with a key, I also bring my North face Roo that goes across my back. I put the key into if after closing up the apartment. 

"C'mon Addie" I say as she runs along with my walking legs.  I decide to slow down so Addie doesn't have to try so hard. 

Minutes later we arrive at the grocery. A lot of dog owners live in this area specifically, so lots of restaurants and stores are dog friendly. I walk into the grocery and the air-conditioning immediately cools her down. I walk minding my own business when I hear Addie whimper. I look up from what I'm doing and see a dog 3 times her size and I laugh. I decide to pick her up and carry her. 

"Sorry about that." Says the boy who has the German Shepard on a leash.

"No." I laugh. "That's okay." He was pretty cute. 

I continue to walk through out the store finding band aids and purchasing them, with the debt card my mom gave me. 

~~~~~~

After returning home, I decide to get ready to meet with the police.  I keep my clothes on but I decide to fill in my eyebrows and put some mascara on. I take Addie out to the bathroom then I decide to go, leaving her at home. I call for an Uber, and as I wait I call Meghan. The phone rings 3 times before she picks up. 

"Hello? Amanda?" She asks. 

"Yeah? Where are you guys?" I ask the worry in her tone freaks me out a little bit. 

"Um, the boys are out trying to calm Luke down." She says. "I am at brunch with Nora, your mom is supposed to be on her way there now." She says as my moms car pulls up. 

"Oh yeah she just got here, I'll text you okay?" I say about to hang up.

"I love you Amanda." She says. 

"I love you too." I say

"Things between Luke and you will get better I promise, and did you see the band aids I bought you." She asks. Meghan's the only one who knows I cut.

"Um no I didn't but I got some, I have to go. Love you." I hang up scared shes better friends with Nora then me by now. I call to cancel the Uber. 

"Hey baby." My mom says rushing to hug me.

"Hi mom." 

"Are you ready to go?" 

"Yeah." I say. 

~~~~~~~~~~~

Heya.

I added that part at the beginning because I love Christina Grimmie and all she stood for. Comment your 'letters' to her too if you'd wish <3

THANKS FOR READING!

I decided to make it a bit longer due to all the pain that the U.S. is suffering from right now. The Orlando mass shooting, was one of the biggest mass shootings that has ever happened. Christina shouldn't have lost her life, she was a sweet and generous person. We live in a cruel world and that's something that I hope will change in the near future.