A Second Chance To The First Time.

Fourteen

(Fourteen)

The day I destroyed her was the day I lost a part of myself. It was as if my humanity was turned off that I gave zero fucks in everything. I spent the days drowning my body in alcohol, just to make sleeping bearable. I was a total mess. I was missing out big time in school as my grades dropped proportionally to the amount of cares I had. Since half of my cohort was in internship, including my friends, I was always alone. I saw interaction and socialising with people as a waste of time. In fact, the lifestyle I had was so horrible that I had a pattern that repeated every single day: I would wake up in the late afternoon, order fast food, go to school with half the day gone, go home to eat some left over fast food, then drown in alcohol. The pattern was so on point that most of the fast food delivery boys remembered my face and asked whether I ever eat anything other than fast food. I was so preoccupied with emptiness that I hadn't noticed how the 5 months passed. Same shit, different day I would tell myself.

Of course, I'm not going to kill you with boredom and rant to you about how screwed up my life was. I remembered how alone I felt, to the point that I didn't even remember where my phone was half of the time. So what was it like on the other side of the mountain? In a clearer sense, what was my perspective?

Usually in romantic movies, the spotlight or at least the highlights, were always about the people who got screwed over. The story revolved around the victim rather than the culprit. What about the fucker who caused the problem? How was it like to be the bad guy? We never really had the chance to understand or at least focus on the perspective of the villain and how they saw life. I mean, could you honestly say that you are so good that every bad person does not deserve to have a say about how he or she see's life and that they should just be totally ignored since he is a bad person anyway? You may still seem skeptical about my point, but here's an example:

The Batman movies. It was always about how The Batman was planning to stop the Joker and how The Batman felt and reacted whenever the Joker did some horrible thing. Did you ever ask yourself: "What about the Joker? What was he thinking?" "What happened when he got home?" Why was there never a scene or a highlight to what it was like when the Joker went to bed? Did he think about the things he did? Did he feel sorry? What was going through his mind? Guilt? Regret? Remorse? Satisfaction? How sure are you that the Joker could even sleep at night after everything that he has done? For all we know, he felt so sorry but had absolutely no care to give since something so bad had happened in his life. The point is, people tend to care more about the victim rather than culprit. What I was experiencing was almost identical. I had nothing or anyone to connect with as if there was no room in this world for the culprits and the monsters. I mean, even the heart broken songs were written to be against me. Songs and movies would show and say the pain and grief the victims felt. They would also usually ask questions such as, how could he do this to me or what did I ever do wrong. I wish I could ask my self those questions, but there was simply nothing to ask. There were no answers because the questions to myself didn't exist.

One day, a close friend of mine, Juno, told Chuckie about how I was screwing up everything in my life and how I didn't give a single care about it. Little did I know that Chuckie took a leave from his internship to visit me in school one day. I usually didn't have appetite to eat during lunch breaks so I would smoke cigarettes for the entire duration instead. But since Chuckie was here, I decided to accompany him in our cafeteria. He placed his food on the table and looked directly onto my eyes. "What?" I asked.

"I'm really worried about you Damon. What the hell are you trying to do to yourself?" He paused and took a bite on his sandwich. "I know you have been going through rough terrain, but that doesn't give you the excuse to not try and move on." He added.

"I know what I'm doing, you don't have to worry about me." I said.

"You know what you are doing? Christ Damon, you just plainly gave up haven't you? How about this, for one last time, you tell me the whole story and if I think you really deserved this, I'll never pester you again."