diaphanous

am i?

if i really was depressed,
i would be on the bathroom floor.
i would be curled up in a ball,
and i wouldn't feel anything.
i would isolate myself until darkness consumed my head,
and i wouldn't care who worried or not.

but what other explanation?
for every time i felt like i was watching the paint on my walls dry,
or i cried over a kid taking my seat,
and not even out of spite.
for every time i felt trapped in a cage
and watched as the world still spun on its axis,
but i couldn't even leave my bedroom.

if i really was depressed,
why can i feel everything?
every look and voice i analyze,
deciding what it means.
i was pushing people away because i didn't want them to pretend anymore,
but the rest of the world does it too.
what makes me think there's something wrong?

but what other explanation?
it's not normal to feel like i'm sinking further into a pit of black tar as i walk.
i'm supposed to laugh until i cry,
but how many times have i really laughed this year?
i'm not supposed to hug my books like i'm hanging on to my own life.
normal people don't cry during class,
because the loneliness is overbearing.

-java