diaphanous

anxiety

i wonder if anyone thinks about me; if they would pry my mind open, given the chance, and listen to my thoughts.
i wonder what they would think.
i wonder if they would understand that i am more afraid than angry,
and that i don't hate them;
i'm ashamed of them.

i wonder if they would figure out why my hands are so sweaty,
and why i'm afraid of my own voice.
i wonder if my heart is trying to race my brain.
i wonder why relaxation is hardly an option.

i wonder how often i dream of prince charming,
admiration,
and vengeance.
i wonder if complements are out of pity,
or if i'm prettier than my reflection.
i wonder if i'm the problem,
just like i always have.

i wonder who i really am.
and why i can't seem to figure it out.
i wonder if i am myself,
or who i want to be.
i wonder why i'm a mystery,
to everyone including myself.

-java