Caligula and Caesar's American Adventure

Everybody Shits (Cae)

Cali was pissed, like, really fucking pissed off when we got kicked out of the fucking rubbish museum. Like, what's the point of looking at dinosaurs made out of people's rubbish? So I dragged her back to the camper and I made her get in the back with me, and we just lay down and breathed in the fumes. Safe to say, she got real fucking calm all of a sudden, and we just lay there and talked and she put her hand on mine and it was ... nice, I guess. Kind of like in the lift with that bitch. I felt safe, which is nice when I'm stuck in this ginormous fucking country, the land of the free. Ironic, isn't it? We talked for a long time.

Cali: "Why do you smoke pot?"

Me: "Why do you have sex with waiters?"

Cali: "I asked first."

Me: "Because I like it. Your turn."

Cali: "Same answer."

And then we both laughed and Cali said my eyes were red and that was when I decided to show her the bottle of wine I swiped from Walmart.

Cali: "So you're a thief now?"

Me: "I was thirsty."

Cali: "You're a loose fucking cannon is what you are."

Me: "So you don't want any?" And then I unscrewed it, 'cause it was so fucking cheap that it had no cork, no security tag or anything. And then I drank from it and Cali took the bottle, and she drank from it too.

Cali: "This tastes like shit."

Me: "So do you."

Cali: "Now, how would you know that?"

So I laughed and took the wine back and swigged, and put my arms behind my head.

Me: "I'm sorry for screwing up the fucking dino thing."

Cali: "You'd better be fucking sorry. Do you have any idea how much I was looking forward to that?"

Me: "I'm sorry.

Cali: "I'm kidding."

Me: "Oh."

Sometimes I really want to just hit Cali, just punch her in her smug face but I couldn't do that. I have the shittiest aim. I'd just end up punching the camper, and then she'd fucking shank me or something. So I just smiled and she took the wine. I could taste her on the neck of the bottle then, and she didn't taste like shit after all. She told me I was a fucking idiot and then, get this, she got in the front and drove out of the car park. I nearly spilt my fucking wine, she pulled away so fast. I'm like, where the fuck are we going? But she wouldn't tell me.

Me: "Where are we going?"

Cali: "Shut up and finish your wine."

Me: "Why?"

Cali: "Cause it's a fucking surprise, alright?"

If I had been fucking sober, or a little bit lower, I wouldn't have known not to get excited, but I got really fucking excited and then guess where she parked up? We drove for thirty fucking minutes for the loo.

Me: "Why are we here?"

Cali: "Because I need a shit."

Me: "Thanks for sharing."

Cali: "You asked."

Me: "You said you had a fucking surprise, not an imminent bowel movement, douchebag."

Cali: "Well, surprise! Everybody shits."

I actually did punch her then. Not hard or anything, just enough for her to know I was annoyed. She just kissed my forehead, which annoyed me, and disappeared for her shit. I finished the wine and threw the bottle away. It smashed in the metal bin and Cali ran out.

Cali: "Holy fuck, I thought there was a fucking coyote or something. What the fuck are you doing?"

Me: "I finished the wine."

Cali: "You greedy shit."

Me: "You didn't like it."

Cali: "Doesn't mean I didn't want it." And then she pouted like a little bitch, and it made me think of that prostitute rule, how they don't kiss lips. I wondered if she kissed that waiter's lips or if she was just a whore.