Caligula and Caesar's American Adventure

This is Getting Awkward (Cali)

So we got to my uncle’s and, as I expected, he was high as fuck. Cae knocked on the door and he opened it really fast and asked if we were with the Feds. I said yes.

Uncle Pothead: “No shit! Oh God, please don’t take my stash, man! I got it fair and square. I mean... Why are you here?”

Me: “We’ve got reports of illegal drug consumption.”

Uncle Pothead: “Bullshit, man. I need this stuff.”

me: “Why?”

Uncle Pothead: “I have... Cancer. Yeah, that’s it. I have cancer.”

Me: “We’re taking you in.”

Uncle Pothead: “Oh God, man! Please don’t! I’ll... I’ll have sex with you. Is that what you want? Sex?”

Me: “Uncle Tom, it’s me. Cali. This is getting awkward. I was kidding.”

Uncle Pothead: “Oh. Shit. Don’t tell your mom.”

Me: “I won’t.”

Cae: “Do you have the wotsits?”

Uncle Pothead: “The what-what?”

Me: “They’re like... Cheetos. You should’ve gotten them in a package. We called ahead and said we’d come pick them up.”

Uncle Pothead: “Oh shit, those Cheetos were for you?”

Cae: “Wotsits.”

Uncle Pothead: “Whatever. I ate them, man. I thought they were a gift from like... Jesus or some shit.”

Cae got really pissy and her lip started trembling like she was going to cry.

She really wanted those wotsits.

Uncle Pothead: “Oh, don’t cry, man. I have weed. Do you want some weed?”

Cae wiped her eyes and nodded yes. He came back and gave her the weed, and we walked off.

Cae: “Your uncle is cool.”

Me: “He’s a pothead. He stole from my mom once.”

Cae: “But he gave me weed. So he’s cool.”

We climbed into the car and as I got into the driver’s seat I took the bag from her and smelled it.

“Yep. Just like I thought.”

“What?”

“It’s oregano.”

Cae slammed her fist against the front panel.

“That dick! Can we go back? Please? I want to get some real weed.”

“Nah. He’s already gone.”