Caligula and Caesar's American Adventure

The Gas Problem (Cali)

I think we’re almost to the coast. Earlier Cae asked me if I wanted to go to the beach, and I said no. I fucking hate the beach. There’s too much sand, and too many people. It’s like everything I hate condensed into a small fucking patch of land that everyone wants to drag me to all the time.

So I was reading a book in the back and Cae just came back and sat down beside me.

“So do you want the bad news, or the bad news?”

I shrugged.

“Bad news, I guess.”

“Okay, well, you’re reading a shit book.”

She pointed to the cover.

“‘The Perks of Being a Wallflower?’ Really?”

“Oh, I know. I hate it. I just heard a bunch of shit about it.”

“Have you gotten to the part where the main character sits in on a rape yet?”

“Yeah. That was bullshit.”

“Yep.”

“So what’s the bad news?’

“Oh!”

Cae laughed and then shifted her eyes.

“We... Erm... May be out of petrol.”

“Please tell me that petrol is different than gas. Please. For fuck’s sake.”

“...No.”

“FUCK. Are we near a gas station?”

“According to the sign we passed a few minutes ago there’s one about three miles down the road.”

“It’s too fucking dark to go out! It’s ten at night.”

“Fine, fine. Get out your phone, then. We’ll just call a tow company or something.”

“Good idea.”

So I take out my phone, and it’s dead. Awesome.

“Fuck.”

“What are we going to do?”

Then, being a genius, I remembered that I was hot as hell and got up.

“I’ll tell you what we’re going to do. You’re going to find me a lonely guy, ask him for gas, and in return, I’ll fuck him.”

“You’re kidding.”

“No, I’m not fucking kidding. You think I’m not an awful enough person that I wouldn’t whore myself out for gas instead of walking? You’re wrong. I will whore myself out for anything. Anything. I’ll whore myself out for a candy bar if I can.”

“You’re fucked in the head.”

“And everywhere else.”

I walked out of the van and stood by the side of the road. I lifted the bottom of my T-shirt up a bit so my stomach was showing.

“Should I take my pants off? What should I do? I’m new to this whole ‘being a whore’ thing.”

“I can’t believe you’re doing this.”

“Help me! Should I take my pants off or not?”

“No. Keep them on, I guess. For now.”

“Heh. They won’t be on for long, because I’m damn sexy.”

“Whatever you say...”

Cae looked at me.

“You know,” she said, “I wonder if JFK ever whored himself out for gas money.”

“...What?”

“You know. Like, had sex. For gas.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?’

“Nothing, shut the fuck up. Look, a car’s pulling up.”

A car pulled up and I walked over. A middle-aged man was inside. Perfect.

“Hey, do you ladies need some help?”

I smiled sweetly.

“We need some gas, and the gas station is too far for delicate ladies like us to walk there ourselves.”

“Oh, no worries, I keep a container in my trunk that I can funnel some gas out of my car into. It’ll be enough to get you down to the gas station for sure. Just gimme a second to get out and get it-”

“Oh thank you! How could we ever repay you?”

“You don’t need to do any-”

“Are you... Lonely?”

The man stopped and stared at me like an asshole.

“What?”

“I’ll fuck you. For gas. Like, have sex with you.”

“That’s... Not necessary. I can just get the gas from my car-”

Cae broke out laughing and I got pissed.

“What? You think I’m ugly? FUCK you. I’m the sexiest goddamn thing in this fucking country. You’d be lucky to touch my arm, let alone have sex with me. You’d probably just explode from overstimulation.”

The man just slowly nodded and took the gas can out and filled it up. He handed it to me silently.

Cae nodded.

“Thank you, sir. I’m sorry for my friend. I think she’s got some... Issues.”

“FUCK you. The only issue I’ve got is how fucking sexy I am.”

The man just got in his car and drove off while Cae stood there laughing at me like an asshole. Like she could pull it off.

So now the tank’s full again and we’re back on our way to the coast. I guess we’re going to Plymouth Rock because Cae wants to see American history and all that. I’m more interested in seeing what kind of ass is available at Plymouth Rock than staring at the damn thing- it’s a rock. I don’t really give a shit.

Cae just looked back at me while we were stopped at a stoplight.

“You know, the next time you try to whore yourself out you should probably take your pants off.”