Finding My Dad

1) Life as I know it

I'm currently sitting in my room bawling my eyes out praying and hoping for a change. my mother is downstairs getting thrown around by her boyfriend, Alex.

My mom is 27 years old and Alex is like 30 something. I hate him. He makes my mom turn against me when all he does is best her up. They get into fights every day about money and about me. Alex is a big biker dude with a million tattoos and a drinking problem, he's not an alcoholic or drug adict, he just likes to get drunk and drink beer a lot.

My mom had me when she was 15. I'm 13, I'll be 14 in about 8 months. My mother isn't the best with relationships. she sent my real dad packing when I was 3 months old. Never heard from him again. My mom tells me he's nothing but a drunk who has nothing better to do then go to the bar and take random girls home.

Alex is throwing my mom around like she's trash. It's scary and I want to escape it all. I want to get away from the drama and pain. My mom will be mean to me and treat me like shit when she's around Alex. Alex demands I call him 'daddy' because apparently, he's more of a dad to me then my real one will ever be. Alex has been here for about 2 years, but my mom cheated on him for 8 of those 24 months.

In the past 7 years I haven't had a stable home. I don't have anything I can refer to as 'home'. Sometimes I wish I knew my dad, I wonder what he looks like, what he does for a living, where he lives, if he has a family now, everything. I want to know each detail even if it's bad. I've been out of the loop for too long and something tells me my mom is full of it. She doesn't want me to see him for some reason that is unknown to me.

I'm not some depressed teenager you'd expect, i try to look at the best of things. I want to have a better life. I want my kids to have a better life then I do. I'm determined to start over, forget this part in my life. I want to meet my dad and see if what my mom says is true. She will never let me see my real dad as long as Alex is around. He's such a douche.

I can't deal with the screams of my mother right now. whenever I am upset, I shower for a while and drown my sorrows with the steaming water. Then I usually go to my secret spot. When I'm in one of these mind sets, I need to get away so I climb out of the one story house and walk around back. There's a fence, but there's a gate that's hidden behind a tree. Behind the gate is someone's old shed. I have an iPod, a book, and some blankets in there. I calm down for about 45 minutes, then go back inside.

I guess I wasn't sneaky enough because Alex saw me. "Where were you?!" he snapped. "Just outside" I said casually. "You're lying. My daughter does NOT lie!" he yelled. "well I'm not YOUR daughter so leave me the hell alone!" I snapped. My comment earned me a smack in the face and it hurt like a bitch. After he hit me he walked away like nothing happened.

I trudged up to my room and flopped on the bed. I was laying there just thinking.

Where is my real dad?

Does he want to know me?

I want to meet him. I don't care if he is an alcoholic or drug addict. I want to meet him. It's one if those things that you have to know. You can't sleep with the question still roaming around in your thoughts. when my mom is alone I'll ask her if I can meet my dad.

But what if he doesn't want to meet me?