I guess today was alright. I did things that would normally make me really happy. But, it's pretty hard to find joy when my best friend is 6 feet under. (To those of you reading this that don't really know me and may think that I'm strong or that I didn't care about losing my brother. You're wrong. Losing Justin feels like I'm slowly losing myself more and more.) My number one role model and advice giver from day one is just gone. It feels so weird not being able to just walk into the other room and talk to you. It honestly feels like you're on a long vacation and you'll be back in a few weeks to tell me about your trip and I can update you on my hectic life. Why didn't you warn me growing up would be so much harder than I thought? I thought I had it all figured out. But that whole plan got fucked up when everything just changed. Those little things I cared so much about don't even matter anymore. I worry so much more about other people. I'm constantly afraid the people I care about are in danger. I can't afford to lose anyone else. I know you'd be mad at me for it, but I think the stress of losing you is starting to take a toll. I've lost over 40 pounds since losing you. I was down to 85 but I've been trying really hard to gain it back. I wish I could be half as strong as people keep telling me I am. But hell, there are so many things I'd wish for if I had the chance. More than anything, I'd wish for you to come back. I wanted to tell you the things that I always loved most about you. I loved that we could talk about anything. I loved that we would watch the most random shows on TV every night while we waited for mom to come home. I loved that every year we'd go Christmas shopping together and that pretty much all of our presents were from both of us. I loved that you were the most giving person I've ever met. I appreciate so much every gift you ever gave me. I still wear my grey Vans and the Ray Bans. I use the Beats every time I need to escape from reality. I loved that we had our whole future planned out. From our Brother-Sister tattoo parlor to being the cool Aunt/Uncle. No matter what you'll still be the Best Man in my wedding. Thank you for all of the memories and being the best ever. I'll always love you, Bub.
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Letters to You
RandomAfter losing my only brother on January 31, 2016, I've decided to write letters to him as if to update him on my life. This is mostly a way for me to let out all of the feelings that I keep inside.
