Letters to You

July 14, 2017

I know it has been a really long time since I've written anything. Trust me, it isn't because I don't think of you constantly, because I do. I promise I'll be better about it. There are so many things that I wish I could tell you about. There are so many things that have happened in my life that I wish you were here for. I finally graduated, I never thought I actually would, even though Mom told me that you told her you thought I was smarter than I think I am. God, I miss you so much. Life is such a different place without you. Mostly, there are songs that I wish I could show you. A lot of our favorite artists have put out new albums. Speaking of music, I'm going to a Weeknd concert this year. I really really wish we didn't miss his concert on my birthday. I wish more than anything that you could come with me. If I'm being completely honest one of the main reasons I miss you so much is because I miss feeling as protected as I did with you because I know you would have done anything to protect your baby sister. I've been acting stupid lately, I don't know, it's like I can't even think straight enough to make good decisions sometimes. I trust the wrong people and get myself in bad situations. Not too long ago I went to a Riverbed "after party" (it was more of a kickback) and some guy I don't know drugged my drink and poor Octtavio had to carry me outside. Now it doesn't feel like a big deal but it sure is hard to trust guys. I'm so tired of having my heart broken. I wish I still had you to tell me when guys aren't good for me, because even though I didn't listen, somehow you could just tell when guys weren't worth my time. I'm sorry for not listening because now I would do anything to be able to hear your opinions. I still talk to some of your friends sometimes, it's sad to hear how much they miss you too. I even become friends with people and find out later that they knew you. Telling Chaz you're gone broke my heart. He had no idea for months but I parked Justina outside one day and he thought it was you so he came over and I had to update him on everything. Honestly, my feelings have been all over the place lately. Nobody asks how I am anymore because I guess it's been too long since you passed for me to be depressed. I mean I'm not depressed all the time but some days are just so damn hard, I don't know how I keep making it through them. I guess I should probably tell you that Mairah died too... I went to her funeral and literally lost it when her cousin mentioned you in her life sketch. She's buried right next to you so when I go see you it's like I'm seeing her too. Which I'm not sure I like, because it feels like even though you guys broke up you really are gonna be together forever. Carly lost her boyfriend Elliott too, and it shatters my heart to see her go through the same pain I do. There's not anything I can say to make it better. I just wish death wasn't a thing. A little part of me dies every time someone mentions you or even if I see things that remind me of you. It's like this little reminder that I don't have you anymore. Even though Mom and Dad are still taking it pretty hard, I think your death affected me the most. I've lost a lot of weight and no matter how many damn burgers I eat I can't gain it back. And trust me, people never fail to mention it every day. Aunt Cheryl refuses to believe that I eat like a normal person. I wish I could eat as much as Java does haha. You would love Java so much and think it's funny how much Mom and especially Dad love him. Even though they will at some point, it seems like not a lot of people understand how hard it is to lose someone you love. I wish you could read this because it makes me feel a lot better to "talk" to you. I love you.