Pas De Deux

Chapter 17

My hands shook as I tried to put the key in the door. A huge wave of anxiety gripped me as I slowly pushed open the door, Luckily Tommy was sleeping still right where I had left him. I sighed, slowy shut the door and tiptoed over to the bedroom, only pausing to slip my sand filled shoes off before climbing quietly into bed. I fell asleep instantly.

That night I dreamt of what could have been. I was standing on a stage, watching the crowd clap and cheer. An overwhelming sense of happiness and belonging overcame me. I looked to my right and saw that Sam was standing next to me, clapping along with the crowd, motioning for me to stand forward and take a bow. I did and even though I felt self conscious, that feeling went away as soon as I looked into the sea of faces and saw my family smiling back at me.

I woke up with a smile plastered on my face, which quickly disappeared when I realised where I actually was. I realised that I should be sad, but all I felt was numb. Tommy was stopping me from doing what I wanted and even though I didn't want to hurt him, I needed to be in control of my own life.

I got out of bed and went to the bathroom, passing Tommy who was sprawled over the sofa in front of the tv as usual.

I looked into the mirror at my sunken and lifeless face. I didn't recognise myself anymore. The girl staring back at me could have been in her mid twenties, with straggly hair that hadn't been brushed in days and eyes that had lost their sparkle, like she had given up.

I grabbed my makeup bag and began to make myself look alive. Foundation, concealer, powder, highlighter, contour, blush, eyeshadow, eyeliner, mascara. With each product I put on my face I felt a sense of happiness. Tommy didn't like me wearing too much makeup, but he hated it when I "didn't try hard enough." Makeup used to be something I did for myself, not to make other people happy or unhappy.

I looked at my reflection once more. The girl staring back at me looked confident, she radiated life, but what I was happiest about was that she actually looked like me. I was no longer a stranger in the mirror.

"I won't let him live my life for me." I told my reflection. "I won't be defined by him anymore."