Twenty-two letters to Liam

Letter three

Madison Smith

London, England

2 October 2012

Dear Liam

Do you ever just want to be away from everything? Pain, sadness, war or just simply hate. Gone.

I don't wanna live in this world anymore. Do you understand what I feel? My thoughts are like a non-stop battle. They never give me a break. No one does. And what did I do to them? Nothing.

I just feel bad. I feel like nobody is there for me. Every time I consider sending someone a text like: 'Hey, can we talk?' they'll listen for two seconds and then they'll be bored. I mean, that's what always happens.

Yesterday and today I was happy. She acted like it was the first time we met. She acted like herself.

Who is she talking about? Her best friend? Family? Sister? Who?

I don't know why. I don't know why she doesn't act like herself. Maybe it's because I'm younger, and not 'cool' enough. Or maybe I'm too fat, or too ugly. I guess people don't see me as a cool person, no matter what I do.

I tried talking to her so many times. 'Please sit down, shut the fuck up about your own problems and listen to how I feel for once!' She doesn't even know how much she means to me. I feel like I'm losing her. I know I shouldn't be jealous. I know it shouldn't hurt. I should try to be normal. I should do what I promised myself: do what you always do. I think no one is noticing how I am slowly falling. I think no one is noticing I'm thinking about leaving, every single day. I just need her to shut up and listen.

I bet that after I tell her my life isn't worth a penny, she'll be absolutely disgusted. So I made a decision. After I tell her, the pain will stop. It's not like anyone cares about me being alive or not. I want to thank her as well. On my birthday, when everything fell apart, when I lost all my friends, she was there. I didn't even know her name, but she was there. She's the only one who every saw me crying, because I felt 'sick'. 'Sick' means locking myself up in my room and crying. Maybe she'll ever read this and understand how much she means to me, even though I decided to never sent this to her. But I already know everything she'll do is tell everyone else. You probably think she isn't nice, do you Li?

That's not true. No. She was there for me when I needed her. And I understand. I understand why she'll tell everyone else. It's a beautiful gossip. My dramatic life, my pain, everything.

I'm sorry. I'm not worth it. I'm a ugly bitch, a fatty, a whore, I'm everything everyone always calls me. I don't need attention. I don't need help. I just need someone to talk to. Not like this Li. Not from one side. I want to talk to you, face-to-face. I want you to hold me in your arms so I can cry on your shoulder. You don't know what you mean to me Liam. You're funny, sweet, caring. You're you, and I fell for that.

I wipe away my tears and sniffle. A sad smile spreads across my face.

'Are you crying?' a surprised voice asked me. It was Niall, sleeping on the bottom bed of our shared bunk.

I shake my head, and then I realize he can't see me. 'No, why whould I be crying,' I asked, my voice trembling.

'Li, are you okay?'

'Yeah,' I answer quickly. 'There's nothing.'

Best friends forever. It was perfect, but she changed. Everyone changed, but she promised me she wouldn't change. I remember the day she told me.

'Please promise me you won't change. Promise be you'll be yourself?'

'Hihi, why would I change. I don't believe in that. I mean, how can you possibly change?'

She never answered my question, but I believed her. I shook my head, giggled and told her she was probably right.

I should have said something, but I realized she never said 'I promise'. Maybe it was just a big mistake to trust her. The funny thing is, I always smiled. I laughed, and it was a real laugh, but yet it was fake. Everyone told me they were my friends, and they would be there for me. Appereantly not, because they never saw, and they never want to see. They never want to see how broken I am inside.

Isn't that funny? The people who are always around you. The people you talk to every day. They always tell other people and they still don't see it. I think I could say I don't want anyone to see or know, but that's just a lie. I want someone to know. Not because I want attention, but because I need someone to talk to. And maybe, instead of her, I should tell you. I need you Li. You. I want the world to know what's going on. The pain, the dark feelings, the lies, the secrets. Why can't they see?

I felt a strong desire growing inside of me. The more I read, the more I wanted to hug her and tell her I was gonna be there and I was gonna help her.

Should I scream?

I screamed so hard. I want to tell them to leave me alone. Long enough, so I can scream. Long enough, so I can be myself again.

When I met her, everything was perfect. I thought she was perfect. She was the same as me. But something about her changed. And if someone asked me to guess three times what changed about her the first answer would be, me.

Me.

But I'm just me. She can't change that. My friends can't change that. I couldn't say I'm pretty, but I can say I'm beautiful. Inside.

They bully. Everyone bullies. They think it's nothing, a little teasing, a joke, a reaction. But what no one realizes is that it really hurts me. It goes straight through my heart.

I've got one thing to say to her.

Thanks.

That was really sarcastic, and yet it wasn't.

I want to thank her for the moments she was there for me when I needed her most

And I want to thank her for giving me deppresion.

Thank you, I guess.

Even though she'll never see this, because i'm not gonna send this to her, but to you, someday she'll understand who I am and how I feel. Maybe i'll scream. One day, i'll scream. 'Shut up. Just shut up. I don't care about you. I DON'T CARE! Just shut up and let me talk!'

One day I'll do that. One day she'll read this. One day i'll find love. One day everything will matter. One day I'll end this Liam. One day she'll see she needed me. Someday.

No, I don't need attention and I don't need help.

I'm here now. I'll stay. But I know at one point in my life i'll end it.

Thank you Li.. for being there.

Love,

Madison.

Tears were burning in my eyes. Who is she talking about? Who hurts her so much? I want to help her.

So badly.