Twenty-two letters to Liam

Letter nine

Madison Smith

10 October 2012

London, England

Dear Liam.

Have you ever read one of my letters? Do you know I exist? Do I cross your mind? It's so impossible. Everyone keeps telling me I'm crazy... everyone! They tell me my head is in the clouds, and I don't realize I don't live in a dream world, but in a real world.

You know what Liam, I think I realize it more than they do. Research proved that smart girls have a bigger chance of being depressed, because they are more aware of the world around them. Maybe i'm not that smart, but I know damn well how this world works. Society is so fucked up. It drives me insane! Everyone thinks 'sorry' makes things alright. Did you heard about Amanda Todd? She was a girl who committed suicide because she thought everyone hated her. She made two little mistakes, and she didn't got a second chance.

People are heartless. She had nobody, she was on her own. And I know what she feels like. Someone should have helped her. Someone should have been there for her. It doesn't even matter who. But no. Everyone is too afraid they will have to go through the same things. People are weak. That's why they ruin someone's feelings. All those bullies are so weak. It's weak to pick someone to bully who's even weaker than you are, just to feel cooler, smarter, bigger, handsomer. It doesn't matter who, as long as that person suffers. And they always succeed.

There's enough people who go through his shit and end up killing themselves. Just because society is fucked up. If I'll ever get a chance to fix it, I will! I'll do anything to stop this.

But sadly, I'm locked up here. I can't do anything from here. I'm to ''young'' and too ''weak''. Everyone underestimates me.

Nobody understands me. I wonder if there's a single person on this earth who will ever understand. I feel so alone. I want to leave. Back to my mom and my old school. Everyone here is insane, but not me. Everyone thinks I am but I can think very clearly and I know what I'm doing.

Alright. I'm depressed, I'm really under-weighted, my arms and legs are full of scars. But that's because it hurts so much. They always say it's because i'm attention seeking, but it's not.

I know i'm going to regret this, but-

'What's that?'

My notebook gets torn out of my hands and I see Talischa's eyes reading the letter I wrote Liam.

I try to snap it out of her hands, but without success..

When she throws the notebook back at me she laughs. 'Girl, you're mind is really really fucked up.'

I'm fuming.

-I can't stop. I tried so many times. It's something that gets you for the rest of your life. You keep thinking of it. I feel like I can't heal. It's impossible.

Everyone says it is, but I don't think so. It's who I am. I'll always be like this. And maybe I don't even want to quit. Maybe I like the pain when I slide a razor across my arm, carving a new scar. They don't know. Nobody knows until they experience it themselves.

I know I'll never be able to forget, and I want to forget so badly. I don't think it'll cure. There's no finish for curing this. There is one for accepting it though, and I hope someday I'll cross the finish

I hate everything. Everything. I hate school, I hate people. I hate food. I hate tears. I hate waking up. I hate sleeping. I hate evenings. I hate afternoons. I hate mornings. I hate grownups. I hate my thoughts. I hate myself, and I hate my life.

'Madison. Put that away please,' the teacher requests.

I sigh and put my notebook in my bag.

'It's a letter to her imaginary boyfriend,' Talischa yells laughing.

I swallow thickly. How dare they to say that about Liam?

Hold your anger in Maddy. Breath slowly. Don't scream, just let them be.

The lesson carries on and even though it might seem crazy, I can't stop thinking of the train and Liam's house. I just don't really know.

After school I sneak out of the house and get on the train. Without a ticket. Again. I know it's wrong but I can't help it.

After the first stop I get caught and get thrown out of the train, so I have to walk. And I have no fucking clue where to go. Great.