Twenty-two letters to Liam

Letter eight

Madison Smith

9 October, 2012

London, England

Dear Liam

This morning began so good. I went to school with a smile on my face, and my head held high. But, then the third hour came. And the third hour I have to sit next to Talischa. This semester, we all have to do a lecture, and today, it was Talischa's turn. The teacher was sick, so Talischa could say and do whatever she wanted to. So, she walked to the front of the class, and started her lecture. It began like this.

'My lecture is about Madison Smith.'

Can you imagine what it felt like when she said those words? She told everyone how ugly I am, and that no-one wants me here. She even made a chart about how many people on this school like me. I've never felt so fucked up in my entire life.

I exactly remember everything she said. 'Madison Smith was born on the 27th of Janury, 1995. The most horrible day in her Parents' life. The reason she goes to boarding school, is because her parents were sick of her face, so they decided to bother us with it. A few months ago, her dad died. Simply because he was sick of Madison and he didn't want to be her father anymore.

I Stop writing and bite my lip. Does she even realize what the hell she said, goddammit. Losing someone you love is the hardest thing someone could ever go through, and it's so rude to make jokes about it. I realize tears are streaming down my face. The most important thing is to keep believing in myself. I have to keep believing I'm pretty and smart. No-one will take that away from me.

That was when I ran away. I just couldn't bear being in there for one more second. The worst thing was that everyone was laughing. Of course they were. Because what else could you possibly do when someone runs away, crying?

Every time I look around, there is no-one. I feel so lonely. I don't know how long I'm able to keep up with this shit. Everybody hates me! And to be honest, I don't blame them. I hate myself just as much as they hate me. Probably even worse. I hate myself more than anyone else could possibly ever hate me. I don't want to live anymore Liam! Make the pain stop please! I can't take it anymore! I want to cry, scream and kick until the pain stops. I tried to make it stop so many times. Nothing works. I keep feeling the same pain over and over again.

Nobody will ever understand how I feel. No matter how hard they'll try.

It has to be possible to stop the pain Liam! I don't want this anymore.

I sigh, put the letter in my diary, and walk out of my room. The few people in the small hall walk back into their rooms when they see me. Tears burn behind my eyes, but I keep telling myself I have to be strong. I'll never cry for them. They're not worth my tears.

When I open the doors to the staircase, a musty smell reaches my nose. We just had dinner, so i'm 100 percent sure there isn't anyone there. I sit down against the wall and sigh deeply. Frightened I look around. My view is blurred, and I can't see what's in front of me.

I wondered why everybody hates me, but slowly i'm starting to understand why. Every time I look in the mirror, I see a ugly, worthless girl. The rolls of fat, the pimples on my forehead, my dark eyes, my dull hair, my simple clothes. I don't fit in! I'll never fit in. I'm too different. Too ugly.

It's pointless.

Slowly I comb my hair with my fingers. Suddenly, I feel a hand around my wrist.

'What's that?' Talischa's familiar voice echoes through my head.

I try to pull away, but she's way stronger than me. I'm weak, and fat.