Twenty-two letters to Liam

Letter twelve

Letter twelve

Madison Smith

12 October 2012

London, England

Dear Liam

You know what Li, I don't know what to do anymore. This morning I stood at the edge of the roof, I stand there a lot actually. It's usually because I love to feel the wind when i'm writing, but this time, it was different. I stood there, and I looked at the ground below, and suddenly, my whole body started to tingle. I didn't sat down. I kept looking down at the ground which seemed so far away. I just kept looking. I couldn't look at anything else anymore, and suddenly it seemed like someone screamed 'JUMP.'

And I wanted to jump Liam. I wanted to turn around and let myself fall of the high building. With my face turned to the clouds. To heaven. I'd thank my dad for all of this, close my eyes and patiently wait to touch the ground. The weird thing was, literally nothing stopped me. If Pearl hadn't showed up I would've jumped. I swear Liam, I wouldn't even hesitate. But of course, Pearl had to ruin everything.

'WHAT THE HELL MADDY' she screamed.

I didn't look at her Liam. I don't look at traitors. Anyways, I just kept standing there, looking at the ground, and screamed 'One step closer, and I'll jump!'

I still don't know why I did that. It made the whole situation kinda serious. But yeah, I'm insane anyway. At least that's what everyone tells me. I'm insane, why would I doubt it any longer.

'Maddy, please come back!' she screamed.

She was scared Liam, so scared.

Of course I wouldn't have jumped in front of her. It's like videotaping suicide.

I was just messing around. Okay, I know it wasn't funny, but it wasn't supposed to be. But I was angry. Angry because she betrayed me. She told me she was my best friend, and that she'd stay my best friend, no matter what would happen.

So while I stood there, making up a scenario in my head how to jump without jumping I kept taking small steps backwards, while she just stood there crying. And then I slipped.

Yes, you read that right. I slipped over the edge.

Somehow I managed to grab something to hold on to. I still don't know why. Maybe I was afraid.

Oh how I wish I would've fallen. I wouldn't have all these problems.

So, I nearly fell, but Pearl was there, so she ran over to me and dragged me back up the roof.

I swear to god Liam, she was crying so hard. I'm still alive right, there's no need to panic, jeez.

When we got inside, Pearl told the supervisor, and gave me room arrest. I feel like a fucking prisoner.

Oh, and they put a lock on the door to the roof. It's not necessarily. I'll get there anyway.

Mrs Davis is going to want to talk about this with me, and I don't want to talk about it right now. I wish I would've jumped. It would've been so much easier. You wouldn't have to read my depressing letters anymore, Talischa and the other people in my class wouldn't have to see my ugly face anymore, my mother wouldn't have daughter who's fucking up anymore, and I could finally be reunited with my dad.

I don't understand myself when I read what I wrote. I'm a stupid psychopath who want's to die. I'm not saying all suicidal people are psychopaths. I understand them. They're just wondering at what point in there life it all went wrong, and they're wondering why the world is so colorless. It's like they're drowning, but everyone else is breathing perfectly fine. It's like screaming, but no-one can hear you.

Believe me Li, we're not psychopaths. We just need someone to tell us it's going to be alright, but there's no-one out there who's going to do that. We're forced to survive on our own. And the worst part is, we aren't able to. Someone has to tell us what do to, cause we have no fucking clue anymore.

You're probably thinking something like 'O my god, she's insane,' or 'Pearl deserves a fucking award for saving her life.'

You're probably not thinking about this anyway, because there's a 100% chance you're not even reading this.

Ugh Liam. I want to jump, but I don't want to jump. I want to jump so badly. But on the other hand, I don't want to. What if the life after this one is so much more worse than this one. The life after this one is endless, so if I fuck up there I can't go back.

I might sound paranoid, but I'm so fucking afraid for what's coming after death.

I'm literally scared to death.

Okay, I shouldn't have said that.

I don't know what do Liam. This room drives me insane. I have to get out. I want to see the world.

Wait I'm not insane. I just don't want to be here.

I want to see everything there is to see out there. Everything. That's my only dream.

Love,

Maddy.