Twenty-two letters to Liam

Letter sixteen (part 1)

Letter 16

Madison Smith

14 October 2012

London, England

Dear Liam

Do you think someday my life will be normal again? I can't picture myself actually smiling a couple of years from now, unless something amazing happens. Something I don't expect. Maybe I won't even get old enough to smile again. Maybe I'll get involved in an accident tomorrow, and maybe I'll die. What would you do Li? I know you don't read this but what if you do? Would you miss me? Why do I even think about this?

Anyway, I didn't go to school today. I told the teachers I was sick. I didn't feel that good anyway, but I didn't feel like going to school either. It's not that bad to skip school for once isn't it?

Starbucks is heavenly by the way. If I ever actually go outside, I go to starbucks. I always hope I run into Eleanor :).

I know that won't happen, but you never know right? If that would ever happen, one of the biggest dreams I've ever had would come true. Eleanor is kind of my role model you know. She is the person I've always wanted to be.

Anyway, how are you? Sometimes I wonder what it'd be like if we were friends. We could have movie nights, and the morning after I would walk down the stairs looking like a zombie, hahaha. Or we could go clubbing together. Sounds kinda fun right? But that's too good to be true. Maybe someday I'll get a best friend. Not a girl anymore though. A girl best friend guarantees drama. I want a guy best friend who's got a big heart, just like you.

I shouldn't be doing this, writing. It makes me kind of depressed, because I know you don't read them. Like Dr. Davis told me, it's stupid. Everybody keeps telling me it's useless and childish anyway.

It kinda helps, not thinking about how you don't read my letters. But a part of me keeps hoping you read them anyway. Hoping you touch this paper. That's weird isn't it? I mean, everybody could touch this paper and... what am I even talking about?

I'm so bored and I can't think of a subject to talk about. Not an interesting one anyway. I could talk about anything really, but you wouldn't really care. See, here we go again.

One day, I'm just gonna run away. Run away from everything. That's the only solution isn't it? At least.. I think so. I wouldn't really know where to go. Maybe I won't go anyway. Maybe I'll sit in front of a supermarket forever, waiting 'till I starve to death. That's the stupidest idea ever actually. If I ever die, I'm not going to do it slowly. I'll just jump of a building or in front of a train. Everything is so messed up isn't it?

My whole life has been turned upside down. I mean, it used to be a lot easier. No problems, no fights, no feelings. All you had to do was put an inflatable swimming pool in your backyard and the whole neighborhood wanted to be friends with you.

Li, so much has changed. And I try so hard to be kind of happy, and cheer up a bit, but it doesn't work. Everything seems to go wrong..

This 'big world' my mother used to talk about isn't as fun as it seemed to be. And I know people pray for me or something. Kathy said so, but it seems kind of weird. It doesn't feel that way. Maybe she lied. Everyone lies these days.

That's something I don't understand. Why would you lie? Why can't you just tell the truth. Admit your mistakes? Or gossiping, that's another thing. Or saying things that aren't true in the first place. I just don't understand this world, and sometimes I just wonder why. Why is this happening? Why am I here? Why?

My mother called by the way. She's coming to London next week, and she's staying the entire week. She promised to come and see me. She probably goes shopping, walks in here, gives me a hug and goes back tot the Netherlands. I mean, why would she even bother coming here? I'm not worth it. I hope the plane doesn't arrive at the airport in the Netherlands, and she won't come. I don't want to see her. She'll talk to Dr. Davis first, and when she finally gets to see me she'll only yell at me, telling me how disappointed she is. Like always.

I have a session with Dr Davis in a couple of hours. I think Kathy asked her if she could weigh me. She's worried Li. When we're eating dinner, she doesn't leave until I do. Usually I just get up and run upstairs because I don't feel like eating.

Oh wait, I gotta go! I'll continue this letter when I'm back okay? See ya!

I slide the paper under my schoolbooks and put on a warm sweater and jeans. Quickly i run downstairs straight into Dr Davis' office. I still don't see why this is neccesary. I'm not in some mental hospital. It's just boarding school, since we have nowhere else to live, or our parents don't want us, in my case.

As soon as I open the door Dr Davis smiles. She's one of the few therapists here who speaks Dutch. Everyone else speaks either French or English.

'Sit down Madison.' she says, motioning at a chair. I sit down and wait for her to start asking questions, but she remains silent. All she does is stare at me. It seems like she's not even blinking. She occasionally writes something down, and I wonder what exactly. I'm not even talking, what is she writing down?

'Okay,' she finally says. 'Tell me Madison, how are you?'

I look up at her. 'I'm fine.'

She writes something down and looks at me. 'Kathy came to see me-'

Here we go. I told you! I fucking told you! I was right. '-and she's a little bit worried Madison.'

I sigh. 'What exactly is she worried about?'

'How are your friends?'

Is she just gonna avoid this topic? 'I asked what she's worried about!'

'And I asked how your friends are.'

I squint my eyes. 'Touché..'

She smiles at me. 'So tell me, how are your friends?'

'What friends?'

'Your friends. Pearl, Kathy..'

'Listen, I don't have any friends. I don't know what you're talking about.'

She starts writing frantically, and puts her stuff away after a while. 'Madison, could you undress please? You can keep your underwear on. We're gonna weigh you.'