Twenty-two letters to Liam

Letter fifteen

letter ffiteen

I smile every time I feel my bare feet touch the cold stones. The wind is messing up my hair, but I don't care.

'Would you let me, see beneath you're beautiful.' I sing, smiling.

'Maddy, what are you doing?' The voice comes from behind me. I bump into something and fall on the cold ground. When I look up I see pearl. She sticks out her hand, offering me to help me up.

I ignore it and get up myself. 'What are you doing here?' I yell. 'Why are you chasing me?'

'Maddy, can I talk to you?'

I raise one eyebrow. 'About what?'

She sighs deeply. 'I'm worry about you, you don't really look we-'

'What? You're worried about me,' I furiously scream. 'Listen to me Pearl. I was lost, my walls were tumbling down, and nobody was there to build them back up!'

'I'm sor-'

'Don't say you're sorry. You always said we would be friends forever, no matter what, but when it got hard, you just let me fall like I meant nothing to you. I thought I could handle this, but I really can't. There's a monster inside of me Pearl! And it won't get out. I'm feeling things I don't want to feel. I'm becoming someone I don't want to be. The monster in my head told me I'm worthless, and you know what. I believe every word he said to me, Pearl. I'm losing my mind...'

For a few seconds there was nothing but silence. Then I burst out in tears. 'I'm not strong enough for this...'

Madison Smith

14 October 2012

London, England

Dear Liam

I'm up on the roof, again. Pearl is here as well. I don't know why, but I don't want her to leave. She came here for me, and she stayed. That feels good, in a weird way. I told her how I feel and-'

'What are you doing?' Pearl asks me, looking at my notebook

'Writing.'

She raises a eyebrow.

'To Liam. And don't say it's stupid cause i'm not going to stop,' I mumble.

She shakes her head. 'I don't think it's stupid. It's actually kinda cute.'

I roll my eyes. 'Cute. More like fucking weird.'

-How much it hurts that I'm on my own. I haven't told her anything about me thinking that I might be depressed, but I told her how alone I feel, and how much I hate it that she left me. Maybe-

'How does it feel?'

Annoyed I look up. Can't she just shut up for a minute?

'How does what feel?'

'Depression?'

I swallow thickly. How am I supposed to explain that?

Sighing I put my notebook aside. 'First, it feels like you're drowning. Like you're screaming but no-one can hear it. Then, you're running while the darkness is following you, but you can't escape. It's a dead end. You just run, further and further. And when you look behind, you can see the darkness coming. You can see it, I'm not joking.' I close my eyes. 'It actually feels like a thousand knives are stabbing you all over your body. You can't breathe, you can't think. At least, not about anything but the pain.'

It remains silent for a while. After a couple of minutes she breaks the silence. 'Does it feel like that?' I open my eyes.

I nod. 'It does. A lot worse than you think it is, believe me. The things I just told you are just the beginning.'

She sighs. 'Maddy, do you hate me?'

I nod again. 'I do.'

Her face turns sad.

You might think that was harsh, but I'm being honest. I hate her and I can't deny it. She's allowed to know that right. It doesn't matter what she thinks of me anyway, she's gonna leave eventually. Why would I put effort in making it okay, and why would I tell her I don't hate her when it is the truth. I can't lie. I was raised like that.

I roll my eyes and pick up my notebook.

Ugh. She asked me how depression feels and I told her it feels like thousand knives stabbing you all over your body. You can't breathe or think. The only thing you can think about is the pain. She didn't believe it I think.

I'm so done Li. Sooner or later she's gonna leave anyway, so why would I tell her how I feel? I want her to go and never come back. It's way better than seeing her every single day, and hating her this much. I might hate her even more than Thalia. Is that weird?

Why am I trying to stay alive Liam? I don't want to live. Can't I just run to the edge of the roof without looking. I won't stop running, that's for sure. Maybe I should come here a little less often. It's dangerous here. I'm afraid of death, like I said before. What if I can't hold myself back, and the life after this one is worse than the hell i'm going through right now. I've got to hold on until i'm sure what's up there.

Do you know the answer Li? Do you think there's a God who's looking out for us. If there's a God. Why won't he help me? Why did he just let me drown? I never did something to him right? I don't get it.

What if there's someone up there who just wants to test how strong we are. I wouldn't know Li. The only way to find out is to die. And i'm not sure how far away death is.

What if this feeling stays forever Li? If that's what it's gonna be, I'm gonna jump. I wonder if everyone feels the same way. Maybe i'm just not strong enough to handle these feelings. I wonder if these feelings are even normal. Maybe everyone has them. Like veins or something, everyone has veins. That probably sounds weird though. I don't know. I guess I don't want to know either.

I think i'm going to leave the roof before I can't hold myself back

See you soon Lili!

I love you,

Love, Madison.