Twenty-two letters to Liam

Letter six

Letter six

Madison Smith

London, England

7 October 2012

Dear Liam

Have I ever told you about the girl in my history class? I can't even remember it, but apparently I talked to her, because she's always on her own, just like me. Today we were walking through the hallway and suddenly she said she had to tell me something, but she was sure I was going to hate her. I literally started to panic. We've been hanging out for a while and I really like her. I don't want to hate her. Hate is such a terrifying word. It means you want someone to die, and I really don't want her to die. She told me she talked to my psychologist.

She talked to my psychologist. About me. About how I feel. About everything.

What if she wants to see me tomorrow? Should I tell her how fucked up I feel? Should I tell her about the thoughts going through my mind, day and night? The voices in my head telling me I'm worthless? Hell no!

A girl I hang around with sometimes told her to go to my psychologist. And apparently she told her everything, because it bothered her. I told her literately everything because I thought I could trust her. Every time I told her about my problems she said: 'Don't worry Maddie. Your secrets are save with me.' But she told someone who probably isn't able to keep it to themselves and tell it to Talischa straight away. If that happens, my life is officially over.

I'm not even mad at her, Kathy. I just can't imagine why she'd do it. I'm not angry, I'm disappointed.

And afraid

I'll never hate her, she's the only one I've got. I just can't understand why she did it. I mean, it's not like someone is able to help me solve my problems. I have to do it on my own. I don't need people to help me. I've lived on my own for my whole life, and just when things start to get better, this happens.

She was the only one I could talk to about how I feel, cause I know she feels the same, even though she says she doesn't.

I'll never be able to tell her how fucked up I feel, because I'll always remember what she did.

She probably knows how much she hurt me.

Li, how do people even work? What do they think?

I'm scared to death and I'm barely able to breath when I'm close to to Talischa. If she knows, everyone knows.

What should I do? I'm not sure what to do or what I want to do anymore. I'm in so much trouble...

I'm also mad at another friend of mine, who I used to hang out with after school. Every time someone mentions her I feel myself getting so pissed.

Maybe you wonder why. Well, it might be the stupidest thing ever, but she read my diary. That caused me so much trouble in the past. And that's why I don't want to talk to her for a while. She knows I lost a friend to that in the past, and she still did it.

Do you think she was thinking of that, Liam? Do you think she realized how much she hurt me while she was reading it. Do you think she realized she was risking our friendship? I don't think so. She might be the most selfish person I've ever met. The only person she ever thinks about is herself.

Do you understand how I feel, Liam? My diary, the only thing I told everything, and she just read it. I wrote my whole life story in it, and now she knows. What the hell was she thinking?

I can't describe how much she hurt me, Fuck, I hate her. I HATE HER.

It's the second time someone was able to read everything I've ever written. How am I supposed to look at her without thinking about what she did?

I hope with all my heart that one day, she'll read this and cries, knowing what she did. I want her to feel the same as I do. She knows I can't take this. My fucking diary. It was the only thing I told literately everything. Thing I'd never, never, never, NEVER, tell anyone. And she knows them.

I hope she reads it and realizes our friendship stops here. I hope she realizes how wrong she was. I hope she realizes how much I hater her. That she destroyed the one thing I cared most about. I hope she realizes this is coming straight from my heart. For the rest of my life, I'll be scared to write things down, because I know, eventually someone will read them.

I'm not mad at Kathy though. It's really brave she honestly told me everything, and it's good she realizes what she did. I don't think she wants to hurt me. She knows how I feel. Yes I forgave her, but I won't forget it.

I'm not mad. I'm disappointed. Broken.

xmaddy.

I wipe my tears away and stare at the paper. Why is this happening to me. Why do things like this happen so often?

Why don't people understand how I feel. I'm sick of losing friends every year.

I take a last look at the letter and write something down before I put the letter into an envelop

Ps: Talischa didn't murder me. Not yet anyway.

I close the envelop, write down the correct address and run downstairs to post it.

It hurts, knowing I lost another friend. Why can't people keep things to themselves. Isn't there a single person on this world who is able to keep their mouth shut. Is it so hard to say no when someone asks you to tell them everything.

I really don't get it.

And maybe it's better I don't.