ultraviolence

nineteen

song tip: blue jeans - lana del rey

-

oikawa was sitting on their bed with a mug of tea, sleeves of his sweater handing over his hands and reading a book when he heard the door open and close again.

he didn't feel scared or nervous. he felt calm. probably because in ushijima had been the one who broke down and not him, allowing him to take emotional control of the situation. he just hoped he'd be able to stay firm on his opinion of that what ushijima had done was unforgivable.

as much as his heart told him to stay.

"tooru?" his voice sounded soft, almost scared.

"i'm in the bedroom," he replied calmly, legs crossed as he shifted on the blankets, the material shorts soothing against his skin. ushijima's heavy footsteps cast through the apartment as he walked towards the bedroom considerably slowly.

he stood in the doorway and leaned against it, one arm above his head. oikawa looked at him. the way he stood there apologetically.

he looked handsome. even more so since the anger was swept off of his face. his expression resembled that of the one oikawa fell in love with, only sadder. his black blouse was tucked into his jeans and the sleeves were rolled up to his elbows, exposing muscular arms for the most. his hair fell naturally and looked soft as ever. most of all, his eyes were bigger, making him look more innocent.

"you can sit down," oikawa said softly, patting the empty space on the white covers in front of him. ushijima carefully walked over and climbed on, sitting across from the brunet.

"i think it's evident that we need to talk," oikawa said, taking another sip of tea before setting the mug on the nightstand, "about us." ushijima nodded heavily.

"why?" oikawa whispered. he could already feel tears pricking in his eyes, but he didn't care.

"i-i-" ushijima stopped to take a deep breath. "i can't explain it. no explanation can justify the fact that i hurt you." he sniffed, and oikawa knew that he was close to tears as well. "i felt like i was losing you, and it made me mad. the thought of you being out of my life infuriated me. and now-and now-" the sobbing sound erupted from his throat again. "and now i've driven you out myself!"

"but why would losing me drive you to hurt me?" oikawa asked, taking his hands in his own.

"because i was mad at you for leaving me behind. your high school schooldays were longer and you spent almost every day with that friend of yours, sugawara. and i missed what we had, and i was angry because i knew i wasn't romantic enough to restore that. so i lashed out, and-and you were the victim." oikawa had tears streaming as well at this point, though he didn't sob.

"but it was every day, ushijima. every day." he bit his lip harshly. "you beat me. you raped me. it hurts, because i don't trust you anymore." he took a deep breath. "one time, iwaizumi tried to help me with my injured knee. he wanted to support my weight. and when he reached out for me, i was so scared, so scared because i thought he was going to hit me. and when he asked i couldn't pick up the courage to tell him it was because one time someone wasn't just threatening."

"i'm so sorry," ushijima whispered, looking at the sheets. oikawa could see in his expression that he was ashamed, that he understood the mistakes he had made. "i love you so much. and now i pushed you away." he squeezed his eyes shut. "i really do believe you're the one for me."

"i did too," oikawa cried. "when we went on that trip, to hawaii, i knew in that moment that i wanted to spend my life with you. i always will love you, even if i say i don't. because you're not only my first love, you're one of my true loves. i just don't think i can spend my life with you anymore."

"i almost proposed back then," ushijima whispered between sobs. "i had a ring and everything. but you mentioned you liked being free. so i didn't." he looked up at oikawa. "but i kept the ring. because i hoped that one day you'd be able to say yes."

"you idiot," oikawa sobbed. "i would've said yes." ushijima's face went white and he looked completely stunned.

"you..."

"i would've said yes one-hundred percent," he replied. "we would've been married by now."

"fuck," ushijima cried, burying his face in his hands. "fuck. fuck. fuck."

"back on hawaii, i only had eye for you. all i remember is looking at you. being with you. everything i did with you. you're my first anything and everything and i was completely in love with you. the way you carried me from the swimming pool to our hotel room as i pretended to be asleep, the way you kissed me under the waterfall and the way you gently made love to me in such a soft and passionate way i honestly couldn't believe it was real." he wiped his face with his sleeves. "i miss that."

"i do too," ushijima whispered. "maybe we can go again."

"maybe," oikawa sighed. "but i'm going to need some time for myself first."

"you're leaving?" ushijima looked up at him desperately.

"yes. for a while." oikawa bit his lip. "we both know i'm too soft for my own good. i'm going to take a few weeks, a month, maybe even longer to try and plan what to do next."

"when will i know?"

"as soon as i do," oikawa replied, squeezing he older's hands. "listen, ushijima, i'll always love you. but i need this. it's the best thing for me to do right now. and i do believe i have the right to be selfish."

"will you come visit? sometime?"

"yes," oikawa replied. "though you'll probably be waiting pretty long for the first one."

"i can wait," ushijima whispered. "i just want you back."

"i know," oikawa smiled, pulling him in for a hug. "look, i need to do this."

"yeah. okay," ushijima replied. "i love you, tooru. i really do."

oikawa knew he was speaking the truth.

-

iwaizumi got up as he heard his doorbell ring around seven that day. he had finally managed to sit down for dinner, and he wasn't expecting anyone.

he opened the door, only to find oikawa with a large, stuffed suitcase.

the brunet smiled weakly.

"got room for me?"