I am not afraid

8.

There's a period of time where we say nothing. It unwittingly gives my brain time to stew and ruins any chance that I might have of getting rid of bad thoughts today.

They cloud my realistic thought pattern and make me forget what I'm doing or saying or anything that might be important. All I can think of is that terrible thought.

It's back too, that voice.

He won't go away. Constantly nagging and pushing and prompting until I can't take it anymore. Even Frank walking by my side isn't helping and I'm scared; what if those bullies triggered it, what if Mikey being missing is triggering it.

He's missing. That's what he is pure and simple. Frank doesn't know where he is, I don't know and I assume since he isn't at the house and I knew no different until about ten minutes ago that my Ma doesn't know either.

I need to find him, I can't be without my Mike.

Gerard. You're a shit brother you know.

That voice, Jesus Christ that voice is terrible. It never says anything nice it just makes me feel worse. It's inside me and I know it is, my subconscious talking back to me, but it feels like an outsider. Like someone that isn't a part of me.

Frank doesn't like you. He's using you.

I glance to my right where Frank is walking and he gives me a smile, I quickly smile back before looking forwards again.

No, he's not using me. Frank wouldn't do that I know he wouldn't. He's a sweet guy.

That's a lie. You're fooling yourself you dumb-

"Hey Gee? Are you alright? You've been quiet since we left the school," Frank suddenly asks cutting into the voice and forcing it to stop.

He made it stop, how? Even Mikey doesn't do that...

I glance at him as we walk and the concerned look on his face tells me he definitely wants an answer so I take a deep breath and nod, "I'm fine Frank, don't worry".

It's a lie, a lie that he knows I've told because he doesn't look satisfied when he looks forwards again.

He hates you for lying. You're useless.

Yeah...maybe I am. Maybe the voice isn't so wrong. He looks upset right now and I most likely caused it so there's nothing to suggest towards him not hating me. Well, maybe he might not hate me but if not then he at least dislikes me right now.

Push him into the road.

No. I'm definitely not doing that. On second thoughts the voice is insane. 

The voice is not correct in the slightest.

"Where are we heading?" Frank suddenly pipes up and it sends a shock through my body although I manage to avoid it turning into a fully fledged jump.

"Back to my house, I was planning a walk to the park but I need to know my brother is safe first" I reply, he looks a little disappointed but I place my hand on his shoulder "don't be upset, I just have to make sure he's okay, we can go out after"

He shrugs my hand off but instead of ignoring me like I expect he takes my hand lacing his fingers through mine and giving it a gentle squeeze "I know you're worried about him, we can just spend the night in your room again I don't mind"

I shake my head, I'm not going to let him down. I can't, I won't do it. He's been through too much today to be disappointed.

I squeeze his hand back, looking down at our shabby black nails and smiling a little at the small similarity "That's sweet Frank, don't worry about it though" I tell him "We're spending time together away from my room today, I promise".