Blinded Love Boyxboy

Part 7: Im Scared

Song of the day: Colbie Caillat-Bubbly

//TRIGGER: DEPRESSION AND SELF-HARM READ AT YOUR OWN RISK//

//Eli's POV// ((FINALLY ITS BEEN FOREVER))

I fell in love once. It wasn't a fairytale or a Cinderella story. It was a poison. I met him when I was in 9th grade. He was cute. He was funny. He was popular. He was dangerous. I guess that's what drew me to him. The fact that he made my adrenaline rush in just a single sight. It felt marvelous. I talked to him once and that once turned to texting and soon calling and then, One day he told me he liked me. I said I liked him back. We dated.
At first it was great, I was happy. But he invited me over and when I got there, I saw him drinking. I took the drink away from him and he got....enraged.. He hit me, kicked me, called me a whore. I guess that's what started my depression, my anxiety however came earlier on. When I became blind I started panicking and loosing my ability to control my anxious states and fear. I guess that was the worst part, not being in control of your emotions and body. I shut down completely because of my depression, I cut my thighs. I can feel where I have and haven't with my fingers. But I'm sure my thighs where littered in deep and deadly scars. I haven't relapsed because I never stopped. I've only started 2 years ago...when I was being beaten by him. He knew, but didn't care, if anything he encouraged me to keep doing it..to keep harming. I hate this, I hate him, I hate myself....

"Elliott..." I heard my boyfriend say in a worrying tone. Matt and I have been dating for 2 months already. And it's been amazing. he's so gentle with me. And even if our kisses and make-out sessions get heated, he still won't touch me in anyway that would get me uncomfortable or scared. And if he does he tells me that 'if I feel uncomfortable then to tell him so and he'll stop.' He's amazing.

Matthew's Amazing...

"Yeah Matty"

"What are you thinking about?"

"What makes you think I'm thinking of something..?"

"I know you, Elliott. You always have your eyebrows furrowed and you get quiet or mumble. So I'm asking what are you thinking about..?"

I fell silent. Matt knew I had anxiety problems, but he didn't know about my depression...or the cutting...I'm scared that if I tell him..he'll call me an emo and leave me. I don't want to loose another person because of my shitty problems and anxiety. It's too painful...it's tiring...it's unbearable...

"Just stuff.." I felt him move from underneath me until I couldn't feel him there anymore. I didn't know where he was. That's the downside of being blind. You don't know where anything is anymore. I felt a weight move the bed and suddenly something was on top of me, straddling me. I felt hands on my chest and another rub my arm. I got scared. My paranoia and depressed mind confused Matthew, my amazing and caring lover for Kai, my abusing heartbreaker. Flashbacks come back and I can hear all the names and feel all the kicks and punches I got from him.

I jolted up and hugged the man in front of me. And he hugged me back, his grip tightening. "Shhhh. It's okay Baby I'm here...Shhhh...I'm here.." I cried in his chest, feeling so scared and so vulnerable and just so lost... "Eli, it's okay, your okay."
I cried even harder, because I'm not okay..and he doesn't know it

"N-n-n-n-n-no I-I-I-I-m n-n-not.."

I felt his hands in my face and him tilting my head upwards. And even if I can't see I know he's looking at me worriedly and fearfully. It's just how he is

"Eli....you can tell me anything. You know that, right?"

I shook my head