Is it too Late?

Twenty One

Caspar

I was in pain. I always was in pain. And would it ever go away? Probably not. But Joe couldn't know. Joe could never know. I'm the one that broke him and Hailey apart, i'm the one that made matters worse for him. And now I'm just going? I don't want to make the time we have together anymore painful than it already is. Although i'm the one in the hospital bed, it's Joe that needs to be looked after. He can't cope alone. What happens when I'm gone? I just don't want to think of that. That's more painful than anything I'm going through right now.

Here I was, in the hospital, staring aimlessly out of the window- awaiting on Joe's arrival. Sometimes it made me think of what I was even living for at the moment, and that was it. Joe's arrival. Joe. It kept me sane with something to look forward to, like I did every day onward lying in that same bed.

But what was I really waiting for? Sure I was waiting for Joe. But I'd wait hours before he was due. Maybe I was waiting for the doctors to walk in and tell me they'd got it wrong, and that they were sorry. Maybe i was waiting for my chemotherapy day to come and attempt to give me a longer period of life... But that wasn't the case was it? I was really just waiting for death. We all knew it was going to happen, just didn't know when. And maybe I'll never be ready, but I always wait for that day. I wait for the day I feel like I can't breathe, and that my lungs feel on fire, and that my heart is bursting out of my chest. And although that same day of my life will be the most painful, it will also be the most peacful. It will be the day when I'll be put out of my misery.