Is it too Late?

Twenty Three

Caspar

Joe was going to be so mad. Today was chemotherapy day... Or so he thought it was. This isn't the right thing to do, but what is anymore?

Joe

I entered Caspar's room and a smile formed on my face the moment I saw him. He was so precious to me, I just wish I'd known it sooner.

'How are you doing Casp?' I asked, sitting on the edge of his bed.

'Coping, that's all I can do' he smiled slightly and reassuringly.

I had a good feeling about this. That things would go to plan, that it'd all go to plan. Or so I thought...

'Are you ready for your chemotherapy Caspar?' The nurse said once entering the room.

Silence.

'Uhm.. Nurse, please can I have a few minutes?' He replies.

'Of course, i'll just wait outside, shout me if you need me' she smiles.

'What's wrong Casp?' I say, turning to Caspar once she'd gone.

'Joe I don't want to do it.' He says.

'Caspar you don't have to do this alone, I'm here.'

'No Joe. I mean i don't want to do the chemotherapy.' He corrects me.

'W-what?? Why? Why wouldn't you want t-to?' I stutter. What was he talking about?

'Joe, it's only going to hurt me even more. What's the point in prolonging my short life when I know death will come soon anyways? I don't see the point in dragging out the pain I'm already in.' He replies with tears in his eyes.

'Caspar, you don't know what you're on abo-' I begin.

'No Joe. I've thought about this. I truly am sorry, but I can't do this. I've made up my mind.'

'Caspar do you not realise how selfish you're being?!? You're willing to just leave me alone like this?? Do you not realise how much I need you?!?' I raise my voice, pulling my hair in anger.

'Joe, you'll get over it. You'll find someone new. You'll get on with life.' He says.

'No I won't Caspar! This will ruin me! I need you Caspar, I need you more than anything, and it's so selfish how you'd just leave without giving me a second thought'.

'You think I havent even thought about this Joe?' He says with his tears streaming down his face, 'I think about this whilst not being able to sleep at night. I think about it whilst crying in the pain I feel. The excruciating pain. And through it all, I think about you. I think about how this could hurt you, but whatever decision I do make, it will hurt you. Because whatever I do Joe, we both know I'll die sooner or later. I can't do chemotherapy knowing it could only give me an extra day of living...'

'But that extra day of living would be an extra day of loving you... I love you so god dammed much Caspar, and I just can't let you go without a fight! It's like you're just giving up?!' I strain my voice.

'Nurse??!' I shout.

'Yes?' She enters the room.

'Caspar's ready for his chemotherapy' I say in desperation.

'Nurse, I'm not. I'm sorry but I don't want to do it.' Caspar interrupts.

'Are you sure Mr Lee? This does mean you'll have to be taken off the oxygen soon?' She looks at him sympathetically.

'Yeah I'm sure. I'm prepared for the worst.'

'Okay-' she begins.

'No! Tell him he has to do it!' I beg her.

'I'm sorry sir but it's patients wishes' she says, walking out of the door, leaving the room silent with only the sound of my sobs.

Caspar

'I'm really sorry Joe-' I say sorrowfully.

'No you're not. You don't care about anyone else's feelings but your own.' He says storming out the room.

'Joe!' I say, but he's already gone.

The only thing that's left in the room is the pain in my heart that Joe had left.