Untitled Letters

January

January 24, 2016

Dear you,

Today, I decided to write you often. Maybe because I'm still hoping you'll come back to read it. Even if this means I could be redundant. Always talking about the same things over and over again. It doesn't matter. It doesn't even matter if it's a long letter or a short one like a simple "I miss you". I just can't help myself. I can't forget about you.

Honestly, December has been tough for me and until now. I can't serve properly anymore. I can't go inside the church without thinking about you. I always think of you. I can almost cry whenever I remember you. I smile a little; but when I realize that it's all in the past, I just want to cry.

I'm not a strong woman.

I guess, it's all my fault. I let you slip through my fingers. I regret everything. But something in me is still hoping that one day you'll come back and realize that it was me all along.

I don't want to be bitter. I don't want to end up miserable or divorced.
Then I realize, maybe you're right! Your decision to choose someone else was right. Maybe it's better this way because perhaps we'll both just be miserable if I push this through. I just hope you'll always be happy and I hope you'll still think of me or dream about me. I wish I could send this to you. I wish I could tell you everything. I wish I could convince you to come back to me but of course, not in a forceful way. In the end, it's all up to you.

Maybe I'm really ugly for you to leave me like that. You left me hanging and now I know why... You didn't really like me and that all I was seeing before was just a funny illusion. Maybe this was just your game and I didn't even know I was playing.

Honestly, I don't know how to feel. I want to be with you even for a few seconds of your time.

We never really happened. Maybe you didn't want us to. Why did I even bet on you?

I love you. I still do. Please be with me. I'm sounding so desperate right now. I don't know what to say anymore.

I still love you.

Love always,
M

January 25, 2016

Dear you,

I wondered if my prayers were ever granted. At first, I couldn't believe that you have a girlfriend. maybe even up to now. Last September, you told me you don't. I was a little complacent honestly. But being complacent was bad after all. Ever since I've felt this, my greatest fear was that you might fall in love for someone else. And now, it's happening. I wish I've done something before. I regret every passing moment. I should have embraced you tight when I had the chance. Then I wonder, did you ever give me a chance? You can easily tell me that everything was nothing. You can easily frame me, sayin that I was just seeing things. Yet, whether what I remember is true or not, I just wish you'd remember. All those times you covered up your smiles because you knew that you should be serious. I admit, I still play a lot of what if's in my head. Like, what if I stayed a little longer that night you helped me put the signage (responsorial psalms). Or what if I called you and asked you to wait up that night we both went home. It was my first time to talk to you and sit next to you so close. I was really in love with you. And I was hoping you'd take all my problems away. Now, I wish we could at least remain just friends.

Love,
M

January 26, 2016

Dear You,

Months ago, I would go back and read our conversations but now, seeing it just makes me sick! Maybe it's all my fault.

Now, I've been imagining what if you came back? I've been playing the scenes in my head. Someone will be standing in front of me and that someone will be you. You will ask me again, but this time, I refuse to answer because if I admit it again, I might lose you again. All my regrets come flashing right after. I should've just changed the topic or something.

You're still holding my heart and I promise you that I won't look at other boys. I won't like other boys because I belong to you. And, it's not possible that I would find someone like you.

I could have called you a 'jerk' for leaving me like that. But maybe you were never a jerk. A coward maybe but never a jerk.

However, I'd still accept you though a coward you are. There is no other reason. Again, I hope you can read this. I've dreamt about you twice this week already so pleeeasse... Feel me. Let me cross your mind. When you look at the stars please remember me and smile.

Because that night when I was sitting next to you, I looked up and there were plenty of stars.

Please, maybe it's time you told me how you feel. I want to run away with you but I can't. I'm too weak and stupid. And maybe, it would be unfair to you. I wish I could let you go but you still have my heart with you. I still love you.

I really do.

Love always, M.

January 27, 2016

Dear you,

My dream last night was cruel and I, too, if I say that she was like a snake who wrapped herself around you and took you away. I wanted to be the hero who would save you but instead, I failed.

I won't ever forget about you no matter where I am. Right now... I am nowhere.

How can I stand up? You're the one who used to encourage me in life. I took inspiration from you. Now, I'm only but sinking and drowning and you're not going to save me.
I guess the answer is simple, you love her and not me. I have to suffer for it.  Still, I can't accept. Maybe I should die. I'd still smile at you when I see you. Even though I feel a million volts of pain strike my chest when I do.
I just can't see you with her. It might kill me... I'll... die.
It will send me straight to hell and be forever desolate in an eternal predicament, an eternal fire. I know I won't be ready. You will have shot me unprepared. Please.. I'm sorry. Forgive me if I failed you. Forgive me if I disappointed you. But please, if there is a small space in your heart, please leave it for me. I need that space so I can breathe a little. If only I had another chance.

Love,
M

[picture taken from tumblr; credits to owner]